Redemptive Love

I read somewhere,  "Redemptive love is the redeeming of ourselves through revealing the depths of our love. Perhaps we have merely let time get the better of us, or maybe our journey has just taken us on separate paths. It doesn’t matter. What matters is expressing how we truly feel, and doing so in a way that redeems a connection that was lost."

The true question lies what's the line too draw to give second chance, to know now there is no turning back. Even when it cost hurting the person you love and being cruel and not the best of your version. 

It's better than having this silent understanding where you are unaware what that person will take the step, since once he didn't choose you but chosen himself, and you did nothing but gave that space of absence to make your presence be acknowledged. 

When he comes back opening out with the confusion deep within his mind too, where he declare he haven't chosen you yet but yet in dilemma of what to choose. And may not be sure he have made up any mind. 

You know he might break your heart all over again, now that you have hold back your broken heart and gathered all together and stood all alone all this time. May be always we would never be together, again he would choose someone else and not me. Then what am I to choose, how to fight again with that heart, though broken yet never stopped loving. How could I hold myself when he comes closer towards you. 

And how about the trust issues, how will I be able to trust him blind folded. It's not difficult to get back and act like old days, but with the fear of expiry date and this way of end where he shall just skip the whole chapter of me , one day after he wake up and realize, then what, again the whole scene repeats back. 

May be I shouldn't be with him at all, or may be I wait more till he gets sure with what he truly wants. May be it's just the temporary phase and once he gets busy he shall repeat it all over again. It's just the loneliness he want old days to not end, I just can't guess or understand.

For I know one thing, if I ask him up front, my decision shall never be to be with him. Cause he shall always choose him and not me. And play the victim card, how weak he is unlike me and he can't come out of the emotional web which he ain't ready ever. 

Is it then a redemptive love or yet time to see where it takes and just go slower and let us know, if it's also emotional connection and not just at the edge of current emotions. 

What if??

A week passed already when you decided to walk out of my life, atleast I realized that you urged to stay far from the emotional haccus from my end. 

I made up my mind to choose me and my dignity and not fall weak this time. Unlike the last time, we mend our differences, we managed to fill the gaps. We built a world for our own, no one to judge no one to interfere. A hidden yet a secluded world We called our own. I loved that even when it was so hard to be true. 

I do miss our long talks, our calls without any reasons, our texts to share every lil things in our day to day life. From morning greetings till the night stretch before sleep. Until one fine day you choose an alternative without intimating for adapting. 

The friendship in me would always want happiness for you, but how am I supposed to make my jealousness to subside, knowing those mornings are no longer just for me, those night chats are not exclusives. Every life events are been updated to someone else and just not to me. How am I still so cool about it, and can't get leverage to feel jealous about you being shared. 

Something I called my own, something that meant to me the most, I have to act so cool knowing one day you shall share a bed and may be all the comfort you had with me, you will have the nights you miss her and just not me. With our insecurities piling over, you had no justification but a vague reaction , why should I even have such thoughts. 

We were never supposed to be exclusive, we were never to mend to be together on first place, but didn't We, then why such differences and making me feel am just another friend who need to accept you having any new in your life and I need not have to be updated at all. 

I hold back to make your life easy, as you always played the victim card, you being so weak and me strong. You have to take the burden of your family as I have none. You allowed to worry and alone time, while I cannot even react. You can just walk out of my life and I still act cool and stand by you as your own. Sorry what do you call, 'good friends' so easy for you to just change the tags. 

This restlessness, this emptiness wakes me for nights so long, poor mind unaware to find a skip out. Wish my heart wasn't so fool and it grew stronger before it waits and waits till it get tired one fine day. May be that's the day i stop standing watching and waiting for a text, may be it be the morning greetings, or the meal updates just a talk that makes me belief you still think about me. 

May be not the way I do, but someday you may miss me, may not the way I feel for you, but somewhere closer to someone special you may have lost, in the fear of uncomplicating your life, in making a space for someone new, you just throw that one person who stood by you, even when you didn't wish for one. Your guide, your assistant, your partner in crime.

 Your every wish was fulfilled as if I turned to be ginnie , so I knew I shall be then trapped in that lamp. I would have never begun the first wish, the first kiss. Who knew it would turn so addicting, I would end up fallen on my knee. Regretting to drop down my wall, should have been the same old person who have been known to be the ruthless and fierless. Wish I was not thought from my heart but let the mind do it's work. 

No matter how you left me with this discomfort, I can't forget the way you made me feel special, for every day you tried going out of the way, with the lil time you had and the money you could shed. I appreciate for the efforts when you went out of the way to make me feel your someone. I may be hurt of how things ended, but won't ever say, I am sorry for I ever met you. 

I won't ever regret over that part, may be you were just till this page of my book called life. And I have to patiently waiting for the page to end and may have other page to begin and bring forth some adventure. May be or may not be, that surely time shall tell what's in the next page till then standing at the corner of the window , watching the stars and moon, hoping you might wish one night, why did I not stop her from walking my life. What would have life turned if I had chose her and not a safe option. What if I had faced the challenges, what if I had hold when she ran? What if I was still in her arms, what if? 

Lost the diamond for stones

This is the first time, I hold back even when I crossed your path. 

Knowing you would be free, and we could have just met and mend things. 

At least for the present, and may not the way I wish it should, may be some perks of patching but at what cost. 

When I was that easily replacable and it didn't even took much efforts , why mend anything. 

Once broken shall never mend the scars, it shall never be new. 

Always stay back reminding it was once broken and can be easily turned into tiny pieces all over again. This time more easily than earlier time. 

Weeks and months we spent together matching our calender against your schedule. 

But who knew one had to watch the lil detailings when time changed and you had nothing but excuses. 

That same person who couldn't spare a day without talking with me, sharing thoughts, discomfort, dishearten talks. 

Could easily walk away whole week without asking my state of mind. 

Well now am used to the excuse you have kept for future, I could have also asked, I could have had more than the revert on those greetings wishes. 

That would have cost on my dignity and It matters more than worldy gifts. 

If someone wants to be with you, they just be, they would not have second thoughts on it. 

Life ain't ever fairy tales, you won't always have good days, there would be dark clouds in every relationships, doesnt mean one needs to end and run away blaming the destiny.

Our fate is on our own hands, we can make however we want to turn our page, don't waste your energy in finding another excuse. 

May be you need, for I surely am over those lil lies am been hearing from weeks and months. Trying to shut my mind, hoping things shall turn to the sweeter side sooner. 

How can I make this heart stop beating for you, let the mind relax for a change. Don't wanna walk at the same path where I know I would be left all alone again, maybe this time I shall heal my pain more quicker than the last time. 

Sharing your work loads, atleast boasting whenever you felt low and had to run on your rat race you thought meant everything. May you win the race for you have given up on us, when you could have made other choices. Never mind, never gonna question you on your decision. 

Just let you stay back alone when you hated the most, may shall let you know, how hard it was to keep myself available when you wanted someone to talk to, someone to hold and cuddle, someone to hug and shed the load. Not everytime everyone have time in the world, you go extra mile , when you find it worthwhile. 

Ever since you left without a closure, I have nothing but the silence and lot to share feels. Earlier my love notes explained my love for you, now it shall remind you, for you had someone who truly wanted nothing but your love and time. You can hoard for lifetime may be one day you turn to those hidden letters, may the words realize my love was pure and you are now left with nothing but my silence. 

We may cross the path ahead, we have too many friends not letting us part away so easily. May be like you had always planned to part away to another city , may be that's why you always gave me hints. 

No wonder love is known to be foolish choice, you turn deaf, blind and mute, you show the real color when the love fades away. Like I promised in the start, I shall wait till I hope there is even a slightest chance for things to change. But when I walk ahead you may repent and hope but I shall not come back to you. 

No one can stop me to choose me and not the wait, the patience and hurt behind every minute watching the phone without any calls, message or standing by the window hoping you would rush back the same place we had our very last conversation. Where you still choose to stay silent and let me come to my conclusion, let me shatter for all you cared was you were left with no burdens. 

Didn't I accepted you with your burdens, if not monetarily but stood by you everytime you needed someone to hear you out. Hear all your anxiety , hold you to step back and walk towards the goal you think it is. May be I was always the shadow and had to fade in the limelight. May be we meet on an another dark cloudy nights, may you never face , but when you shall stand there all alone, see someone silently behind you hoping for your good. 

May you realize you lost the diamond while searching for the stones. Yet will hope you fetch someone whom you might love, then you might know the fear of losing someone and the urge to hold on to that person and everh efforts and madness that comes when you know you going to lose that one person you wanna spend life with. 

What it Meant to me

Was it so easy to get me out of your life? 

Or was I never anyone that mattered to you. 

May be I was blindfolded in love, 

I never saw when our spark faded away. 

I will never say, I was been used by you, 

That will push me to accept, this was just a relation with benefits. 

I would not want to ever say bad about you to others, 

But surely hope, you realize I loved you without any expectations. 

When we couldn't make this nameless bond, 

I gathered with both my hands, memories we can cherish for the end. 

When times get sour, and not our best days. 

We left all alone and we need to be remembered our days spent together. 

But who knew it was nothing you ever care, 

And if I am wrong, I would be happy to get corrected, but that ain't happening any sooner. 

So let me be with my broken heart, I shall not turn back to you to grab them and mend those broken pieces. 

You just wanted someone for the present, without any bounds. 

Though you forgot, love never knew any rules, nor can follow any guide. 

I wish I knew the end, I would have not let it start till here, 

Where my days starts and night ends waiting for you to come back. 

You may still be in touch, but you have lost the special place I gave you. 

Not that you not special anymore, just I can't take it anymore. 

I have cried enough for you, and I deserve better than the salty tears. 

May be just never it was meant to be! 

We knew from the beginning, we have no future. 

Still wanna try out from our bucket list. 

Surely you no more the beginner, and have experience for your next 'the one'. 

May be you still get the love and care, if not from me, from your next one. 

We were stranger once, and yet again.

May be a friendly stranger, who knew the real person in you. 

With dark secrets and the fears, with failures and hurts. 

With the odd silence, no one would understand. 

Act like everything is so alright, and this never happened. 

I still feel a fool, to open my heart to you. 

To be the weak one, that I was always afraid to

I always held myself so strong, then why did I fell apart, when you hold me this close. 

Did it never meant anything to you, 

Or the time have come for a new replacement. 

Where you walk another path, just this time, it's someone else. 

From the scratch of being the beginner, just this time you know it all how it works. 

We shared our minutes of free time, to share every little things that happened in our life. 

And now that it's about to end, this empty space kills more than the apart. 

May be I got so 'used to' you that it shall need more time to heal the pain. 

But don't worry my love, I shall still hold smile for you, while you walk at someone's arms. 

We were always in the shadow, now that it ends, where shall I run, is what hits my head. 

Every corner of the house, have our memories together, where shall I run from, temme my love!! 

You woke up one day and turned your face from me, what about the heart that clinged together. 

How will you take that away, when you gave it yourself in the flow of moment. 

Or was it all play and never meau

nt anything, 

Was it never meant to be, and you acted so well. 

May be I was too dumb and you too smart in this game I called LOVE. 

Gosh who knew you would make me this broken and this empty. 

I am left with nothing but words. 

Wish you ever knew, I wanted nothing but you. 

My nagging was too bothering for you, but I urged nothing but your time. 

My whole life spent waiting for someone who love and care me without a doubt. 

Value my time I put within the bond to turn so strong. 

May be I am not so lucky to have something everyone call LOVE for lifetime. 

It was never meant to be, just the moment of fun and rejoice if you call it to be. 

You never worry, our bond ain't so cheap to be shared with all. 

It shall be within me for the lifetime. 

May you ever know, what you meant to me, my LOVE!! 

Silent for Life

May my absence be enough for building that space, When my presence didn't played any difference in your life. 

May be its easy for you, to splash the door on me, without giving me enough time to mend my broken heart. 

You were just waiting for someone new to replace me, it was just a matter of time, things seemed to get fine, but it was a way of you running away from the troubles. 

You were scared to be lonely too, now that you have someone else, it seemed to easy for you to say, you don't need me anymore. That i am a burden and you are not ready for complications in your life. 

They warned about the ending, but it's said right, when you in love, you are blinded in the beauty you forget their scars they leave behind. 

Will try to convince my heart, may be it was not meant to last longer. May be next time I higher my walls more than earlier, not let anyone walks through them. 

But there surely won't be a next time, I ain't ready to get this heart ache one more time. To feel betrayed by my own, atleast I believed to be my own. 

May you be loved more than I ever did, may you fall in love this time more real. And may you then know the fear of losing your loved ones. Like the sand from your wrist, lil by lil with time and all that can you do is wait and watch for the time it is all gone. 

Never will I weep for anyone else, all those tears can't be on vain. For you felt that was too much for you to handle, wished you knew what you signed before you came in my life. 

The stronger someone shows, they are as weak and fragile. They shall peel their layers with love and trust, so be careful when you get in a relationship the next time. Don't make the person believe you love like the way they do, for you shall walk out the moment you get discomfort. May be that person ain't that strong and firm like you, not everyone can enact like you do. 

You can hoard the remainings, for I have memories and shall want to hold the happy ones and not the terrible end. I still believe in love and one needs to be lucky to love and to be loved. May you watch and remember the days bygone, for once I walk ahead I shall not turn and weep more. I would have given you enough time, while I waited patiently for your return. Don't worry, you won't get to know now, for you never intended to hold on forever. 

You were worried of the society, the title of the relationship, while I was only eyeing on the quality of time spend together. May be we would get to share our kids or closed ones, how it felt to be in relationship with that someone whom you knew you loved. 

You could never make a stand on anything , always a coward, and then blamed for the loss. Alas, you had time than weep over the spilled milk. But you never had the courage to hold on something you felt so dear. 

My dear, life ain't easy but not as difficult as you think it is, everyone have their difficulties that's why you need someone you call your own, to share and shed your worries. 

Anyways, it's not me to teach and guide you anymore. You have outlearn everything I had in me, may be that's why you need me no more. We explored much early than the time we left with nothing much but monotonous pattern. 

Doesn't life work in patterns no matter how we rebel, and you would have to choose your path even when you don't intend to. May be not meant with me, may not this life, may be we meet earlier the next life. May be that time take my heart to safely guard and not break into the tinest parts you did without much of a trials. 

Your silence, your lack of presence, you surely didn't stood for me, but selfishly left me to weep and gather my broken heart all by myself. Never ever say I went quiet for when my tears didn't melt you what my words shall. 

Deep down the heart

A feeling as never before....  happiness always brings along a feeling of insecurity,a feeling tht is soked in fear tht one day it's going to end,it won't be forever,bt i admire the moment i have nw,the moment in which i am not alone....yes i hve u....& wth u i hve al the happiness
tht i have ever desired,the satisfaction tht i ever wished to hve,the attention tht i always wanted,the care,concern tht i ever expected yes i hve u as a dream come true,i dnt realy want to judge wht makes sense,wht is right or wht is wrng,i dnt regret,i jst want to be wth u always,whtever it may take,coz i cnt afford to lose u....yes i have u
lyk a dream come true....u realy stabilize me frm mystique thoughts,u make me feel calm,ur touch gives me warmth,ur hug comforts me & makes me aloof frm ma worries,never had this feeling before,maybe coz i
never had u before....but now,i do hve u as a dream come true....i realize u cnt be wth me forever,but won't ever blame u,bt i have the deepest desire to hve u forever,coz ever time i wish it's u who i wish for...yes i do hve u as a dream come true,bt i dream to hve u forever...

Forbidden Garden

Eve consumed that forbidden fruit, 

She had to suffer for what she sow. 

It was meant to be untouched, 

But did someone ask why was she tempted. 

Everyone blamed her to be the greedy soul, 

She couldn't control over her temptation. 

No one asked her, what she went through, 

Was it her deepest desire to fulfill her thirst, 

Or just the serpent who tempted her enough. 

We are never satisfied with what we have, 

We want more and what's not with us. 

Thou it's believed, grapes always sweeter at neighbor's field. 

Need more than you can hold with both of your hands. 

The world shall always blame those who enter the forbidden garden, 

Never known the dark desire, deep within their heart. 

It makes them walk the path of fire, 

Burn a lil from within. 

The guilt they hold, the lies they sow.

One day the sour fruit is all they would owe.

Though they walk at that path, 

For their heart urges the deepest desire, 

You won't know till you want a lil more than you have. 

That shall make you walk the forbidden garden.