Loving just Break You

Is it supposed to feel this way,

Withdrawing away from the phase of 'loving him',

Pushing far away the feeling of 'wanting him'

Urge to kiss him, get in the arms , tightly until the heartbeats heard

Want to cry out loud,  vent out the anger, want to express how much I missed him.

I have to hold back the emotions , knowing its a repetitive pattern, for him to feel superior , to feel wanted , to feel important. 

To show that you are nothing in comparison to him. 

He will always over power, be controlling and be put first in this relationship. 

Your feelings needs to be kept back seat and only his emotions needs to be addressed and respected.

You can't express cause then he would get into guilt trip and blame everything back at you, and even claim you to be the person who made him respond this way. He loves playing the victim and wants his space to be respected, but he often forgets there is two character in a relationship and when you say yes , you have ups and downs.

I always be in a fear of losing him, to hurt him, to disrespect his ego that he loves alot. Sometimes I feel I am no one in this relationship cause he pushes you this far and claim you are no one ,its easy for him to walk out the minute everything seems off.

I am that easy for you to shatter this dream we living, break my heart into thousand pieces , to break that trust that I gave you, after all the strength I gathered to be in this relationship even with the sourness. I always choose you and will choose you, over my ego , my self respect, but probably you got that as leverage to disrespect at every step.

First hurting by words, then by actions , then physically and now taking back everything you ever gave me, not just taking away,  shattering that tiniest wish of getting everything like it used to.

Sometime I wish I was what he calls, I would have won many hearts and many gifts from every men, probably not been a fool for love but knew to get people as per as your way.

He say , You pushed me this far for me to say all those words, but is that possible, how can someone disrespect you,  assassin your character,  break your heart and expect you to not just care or respond.  Isn't it obvious those who dont care would be the ones who may not be bothered by your act. If I am still hoping for everything to be normal that means I am still loving even if involves hurting myself , not caring about your own self respect and still choosing you over.

You gave me something that you took promise from me to never remove , always will protect me , earlier arguments I used to just give you, this time you asked me back, not that I ever cared of myself that I would be bothered what will happen without it. But the fact you pushing me this far makes me feel , its just me in this relationship who ever wanted to work things out.

You gifted me in love and then break it, throw it away, keep it apart . The watch you spent a fortune , I never ever asked from you in first place, I am never someone who would be flattered with the price tag on it, even if it was mere cheap gift still I would have preserved with whole heart. You not only took from me but you broke into pieces and you know the funny part , it broke along my every hope to plead for you to come back. You may later say its just a gift I can buy you several more in life. But here after I know it comes at a cost,  only until I am a pleaser for you would I have these materialized love you showered at me to prove your love.

You didnt think twice before giving back those letters I opened my heart out , my feelings, my emotions for you and you threw it like it was just nothing.

I always wanted to ask you , am I that easy for you to just walk out, would you not be bothered of my absence , I am literally no one to you and so easy to forget, I am literally nothing but a phase you had at your weak moments. I am a mistake like you always claim when you angry. 

You knew from start I am very emotional , I dont trust easily or get connected but you let me believe you are mine and my search for that love I am been searching along these many years is to an end.

You made me believe in love , in you, in us and a future together,  to grow older, to grow big, i dont even know if anything is true anymore.

That eyes which had love is filled with hatred, with revenge to hurt me more, to feel superior to feel powerful, to control and make decisions of our future.

How can you be so selfish , when you were someone who was selfless for me, was that all lie and I have been living this lie with a hope you are my everything. 

I feel I know nothing , I dont have any hold on anything,  just want to sleep and never get up, to walk on the road and somewhere deep down hope I meet with an accident and end my life. Cause I know even when I think of ending my life I can't and know there are many dependent on me. 

I wish I was selfish and I kept me over anyone . I wish I have that strength to let go of you, even when you would come back I may not be same person somewhere I may never want to have anything from you again, cause you just didnt take a minute to get everything separated like it meant nothing. It wasn't just a thing but memories.

That lifeless teddy I hold and cried , hugged all night , you took everything away , do you think I could ever have that sense of security with you, the place I called safe space is the one who brings anxiety , a call , a text, a meet, my heart race so fast. 

I may need time to get back to myself but like you agreed upon for the space you wished for, I will try to be that person as well, may be, be like your past, not care much , not be bothered by your actions, be with you to the phase you stable. 

Love you in installment,  love you with conditions,  love you once when you want someone in your life, and run the minute you want that space you crave so much. I hope you happy with the silence , with the frozen and outside food. I hope you enjoying the ample time left with you to clean to do whatever you craved for, for sleeping the whole bed and not having to worry to give that shoulder in sleep. No more good morning kisses, the coffee troubles, the extra food guilt, the expenses on impulse shopping and gifts. You are all on your own. 

love till it breaks you

I love you , too common words but I know Its very special for me,

I have barely confessed my love, expressed to someone I say I love.

I prefer to be strong , fearless , not much affected with the world,

But my heart knows its very delicate, it gets easily affected , especially when it involves with the person I care about.

I feel stupid to love a narcissist,  self centered , manipulative,  possessive man. Love more than he could ever, I know he do love me but in his own very different way. I have always proudly declared my love more than him, only did I know it would ruin my belief of the love I had in my life.

I am now not only broken soul, but no longer a believer, I don't trust this 'love' part, i now feel you let you that logical character of yours who make decisions with all possibilities. 

But like a foolish lover you shut that system and love this one person so madly that nothing ahead is logically or wrong . You can change for him and want to do anything and at all limits .

I am an emotional fool, who loved him whole heartedly, it took time to trust but when I did I open heartedly loved him. I even changed myself for him, the core character of a person they say,  I tried changing that for him.

My whole life revolved around him, his likes and dislikes, his schedules and his lifestyle. I am no longer the person I was before I met and known him. I agree I have made my decisions I am not proud for, but I am changing for him and open heartedly want to do everything I can , just for him.

He broke my heart once,  twice and then again, and everytime I followed behind like a lost puppy. I didnt want to lose him at any cost, I lost my dignity everytime I kneeled over for him. I have done everything I could , just for him to stay back , not to leave me, to save this relationship. 

Never did I know, no matter how many times you save , if the person dont wish to save your relationship , it won't make any difference. It would be that broken vase, no matter how many times you glue it will crack with the slightest wind.

He shattered my heart with the words that one can say to their enemies, he didnt think twice before calling out names that can't be taken back. He promised he will change , but everytime things went haywire he will turn on his self defense and first attack me by his actions.

To work things in future , he suggested to keep distance , to ignore his reactions and let go of him, but how to get this heart to unlove you, to be distance. Every failure get me to taste the worse side of you.

My heart beats heavier with you coming closer when you are not yourself. Or may be you were always this way, just I get to see this true picture at your bad phase. 

I can't confront, I can't speak my heart to you, cause I know you won't understand but in return,  take every single reaction of mine against me and get more distant than earlier.

I loved you even when you crossed the line I kept in my mind, still loved you , this time with a fear of repeating history. With months passing by , somewhere I felt you have changed but we all know the true character of a person can stay hidden for sometime but can't wipe out. 

You promised to change , not to repeat and yet here we are, me crying for you, my heart sinking for we are way apart and go any extent to be together. May be that belief got you to unleash the devil side and hurt me even more, everytime more than the earlier. 

You know my weakness , you know me, and somehow its me who shown you my true side . I would have been better off with my mask I show the whole world.

Never confess my love to you, you know I am madly in love with you, and I never know the reason,  when it turned so out of my control. 

Even with all your bullshit, I take your shit and go along with your crap, give another chance to the relationship. I dont want to lose you , somehow the thought of spending my life without you gets me on my nerves.

I express and I love to communicate ,but you are totally opposite,  you want to hoard everything within. Even i go quiet especially when i know it is waste of energy and the front person wpnt understand your feelings. You always would be misunderstood,  you would be treated like a piece of shit.

I wish you ever realize how you make me feel, I wish you understand , even after all the manipulation,  I choose you, I want you in my life. I wish you loved me more than yourself, to learn to forgive and forget and choose me over your anger.

I wish you know I am reaching my limits, my edge to wait for a change , to wait for you , to wait for you to love me more than I will ever.

 

I wish you know I have kept my self respect locked when it came to you, and you always punched my trust , my confidence to know you enough.

You will always be a mystery, everytime things go smooth,  you pick a topic which could have let go easily, and when I try to communicate you would throw me far away.

One single word and that will be taken against me and stretch it to an extent it unleash our extreme character. I wish you know i will always choose you over anything , but you choose to hurt my self respect , my dignity , my character.

You called me names and a character one won't call their loved ones, still with time I learned to forget and forgive you. May be thats the mistake , got you confident. Its all okay to go any extent , she won't go anywhere.

I never asked any materialistic gifts from you, but you gave me and when things went sour you made sure you broke my heart, my self respect and took everything . Not that I care of them, but I care the gifts you gave you, memories it holds along . And you shattered my heart all over again, my trust , my love for you.  

I pray and hope you realize before I move on with this repetition pattern, I get stone heart and learn to let go. Don't care by your actions, have you only at your best. 

Your True Image

They say, You are lucky when you find someone who loves you.

But I feel you truly lucky if they love you more than you can love them.

And more than love there is respect, patience and care for one another.

The depth of love truly shows when things are not going as planned, when there is ups and downs in the relationship, thats truly when they show where your relationship stands .

They would show their true image of how they feel about you , it won't matter how many promises they gave to spend their life with you.

With time and experience i have accepted one harsh reality , if someone disrespect you when they are angry, they may apologize later but at the heat hurt with sharp words that pierce your heart into tiniest pieces. They are not lying they are telling that truth they otherwise wouldn't be able to speak out.

You shouldn't forgive and totally not tolerated if they abuse you or get physical, its no point to be loved at one point and pushed in ground the very minute things dont go as planned.

Once you forgive them,  they know its okay and can be repeated cause it comes along with repetition and an apology alongside. 

You give them the power to suppress you , to hurt you and overpower with their words with their actions. That's not love then , its a power to control your partner , to feel superior .

hate and love

How can someone love and hate the same person so much,

I wish I got so strong cause even when i gather all my strength to forget him , learn to live without him, yet I lose every single time.

Everytime I get back with him to just wait for another argument that's bigger than the previous one. To see him shatter your heart even more this time, to give him that control over you, he knows it very well how to play with you, he's too good with it. He claims to know me , may be thats why he gets the urge to break me one more time.

He knows he can control me  , his every steps alter my mood my day, and its my mistake only after all cause i gave him the power to rule my life.  

I feel sometimes he likes to play with me , my life he likes the feeling of being the powerful one  and so like every alpha animal he keeps marking his territory, but he often forgets one part, i loved him without asking him to change himself, Infact without him forcing me i amended almost everything from my life, I broke my friendship with my past, a barrier with my family,  even agreed to walk my path with him towards future.

But he kept poking looking at my past and having fear that I would do same thing, when he forgets it's my decision to be with him, he gave me a promise which is like a recite, I won't cheat him, and I have stood by the promise. Idiot don't even think once, if i was wandering around,  wouldn't I be bothered the moment he walks from that door.

I told him my fear of stopping someone I love again and again, and there he proved my fear back and forth. He wants me like a puppet , he will play with my feelings and when he is bored or upset he will throw me in a corner like he never knew me.

He still will peep from corner and then wait for the chance to play the blame game, i sure do know he loves to be the God father of all. He knows he can make and ruin someone's life and he loves to play that game.

But he forgets it's me who chose to be with him to be when he have nothing to offer, even in the dark phase of his , it was me who stood by him. How can he then claim to be the cheater,  when I was the only one who stood by him at the hour when no one did.

How can he forget all the things i did for him, with him, without asking anything in return except love and then he shower this level of hatred which I never deserve , for he drinks to the brim to just forget me, self loathe himself , play the victim card, where he is the one who is the master mind.

Like a fool I mere dance by his steps,  and sometimes I feel , I shouldn't do this same routine of running behind him everytime he is left alone, not wanting him to know i am weak and i can do anything for him.

He knows that part and hence he always plays with my feelings and to an extent agrees I am no one to him, just mere piece of shit. Then why is this stupid heart still adamant to love him , even when he have hurt me this level that I may never trust anyone ever, never open to anyone,  infact forget about anyone I don't need anyone any longer , all that i ever wanted for someone to love me the way i do, i wouldn't  have to ever look for anyone , with him thats what happened , literally norms my life revolved around him and that's why I just loose myself even more when this same person who puts me this top over his head, drags me throws me on floor like I am no one to him and it don't make any difference if am alive or dead, why should I still give him chances. In return everytime it's me who have danced around him even when it's never my mistake, I wish he used his wise brains where it should be.

I hope this time he don't delay longer cause I have to hold on this same routine, since he crossed all the limits,  he did leave a scar that'd haunt me for lifetime. I may not stop loving him,  am too stupid and weak for that but until that time , I would hold myself firm and let him realize my value, if he won't,  well we all know how it works, I have to still move on with my life. Promising myself , not to ever trust someone with my heart . Not to give that power to destroy me this level.

Power to Destroy you

Feels free and yet tied, 

That silent knot tied even with this alone phase

After ages got so alone without anyone around , just silence and peaceful surrounding

After too much of chaos,  too much hatred, too much violence

Yet something feels out of order

Knowing it's a phase where I need to gather myself and grow stronger and firm to be back alone,

Still waiting for this stupid heart to stop feeling all this avalanche inside me,

Yet also reached that phase , where I need not prove myself anymore

May the world call me characterless , I know what i have been searching my whole life, there goes a time when he said or can say cursed i may never find love in my life. 

Honestly I don't think I would now ever open my heart to anyone, I kept begging over and over again hoping i dont get into this zone of robot, shrewd character , which knows to earn money and use brains, throw away all thoughts suggested by stupid heart.

After all isn't it that the main cause of problem on first go, to prove someone i kept going to eden garden , eating the forbidden apples and now like eve i deserve my punishment.

I agree , am unlucky in love, I may never 2wnt to ever get myself in this state of feeling stupid and selfless . Even after so much hatred and naming all sorts, still i dont know why i still wait at that doorstep hoping for him to return back and get back to old days.

My forever fear with him was if I never try he may never even try once  I know its wrong , i should know its mere dragging days , but how to get this heart strong,  I wish I had never met him, never trusted him, never loved him so unconditionally . I would have preferred to be friends than this known strangers

I never cheated him even once,  and he kept doubting every minute even when i have always kept everything so transparent . I agree i never disclosed my past  cause I knew he won't ever understand why my steps were taken, I wasn't desperate for physical pleasure but just wanted to be loved and it made me take decisions i am not proud of. 

Yet i own every decisions of my life, doesn't mean he had to judge me now , he knew me , my lifestyle and still he didn't see all the changes i made in me, for him, for us.

And even after everything i did, he still doubts and keep degrading by naming the worst possible names one may not give to their enemy also, sometimes I feel it wouldn't have happened if I didn't gave him that space , that right for destroying me this level

I got so engrossed with him , my whole life turned around him and he don't trust me,  even after loving this unconditionally,  it's so true never love someone , be with someone who loves you more than you can love him. Or else you give them that power to destroy you shatter your heart in millions.

crossing all lines

Today you crossed your line of hitting me, choking me till I couldn't hold back,  wow i must be really that worse

You crossed line by calling me something you didn't wanted me to even call me

You abused me in front of people , you literally threw me away like a piece of garbage 

You crossed every ways one do while they walk away from the person, and like a fool i kept stopping you still from going away

I hate the fact i changed myself for you, I haven't been this dedicated to someone,  this loyal ever in my relationship , prioritize you over me 

And what i understood today , I am nothing but a real crap whom you did biggest mistake in falling in love

You didn't think twice but to blackmail and threatened to ruin my life , but the worse part is you didn't bother to tell what was my mistake.

For what happened in my past, you weren't knowing , or you thinking I am still the same person. Cause i have never understood when you could ever trust me

Good we never pinned to marriage cause surely you would leave me everytime you had a doubt, you won't think twice before you naked me character wise

You would never ever have trust on me even if you say you would. I know i have been proudly with you announcing people I am with you and I am dedicated with you, but all that you care is your insecurities and garbage.

Yes you don't deserve me and my love , cause my God knows I loved you unconditionally,  crazily without any expectations,  without any benefits in return.

Otherwise a girl like me won't ever settle for a doubtful insecure inhuman man like you. You call yourself devil right,  yes you are , and I still accepted you for the way you are. But even when you said you have and you will, you won't ever change , forget it

You would be proud to say you left me, you would be happy for being single and not loved in life. It's biggest mistake of yours and I am done being a teacher , being selfless and running behind you and holding you back 

You are right I should have got that slap long time back I would have been happy to realize with time you won't ever be someone I can spend my whole life, you always will have a foot outside the room , all ready to run away the moment things aren't right. (Atleast that's what you assume always)

selfish love

How can someone get so ruthless in anger ,

I can never abuse someone i say i love ,

Definitely i will fight, argue and even get angry , but I can never disrespect someone's dignity.

And in return i end up having him who have no sense of talking when in anger .

He always speak so much of hatred and just throws me out of his life the moment he assumes things aren't his way .

Today he crossed his line of literally saying he will involve people to get rid of me.

Not only that he abused me and literally threw me out of the place blaming i am ruining his character in the work place.

Today he crossed his own promise and called me cheap names , abused me, for once i knew i shouldn't be there, i shouldn't run behind him. I am not a dog who have no respect of own and follows his master.

I know how much i have changed for him yet he would always have doubt on me, I agree i have a past i am not proud of, but whole heartedly i have accepted him and have been loyal with him without once thinking of anyone else.

He didn't like someone touching me, someone getting close to me, I literally changed my whole lifestyle for him. Yet he keeps doubting over and over again .

He agreed that he did biggest mistake of his life by loving me. What worse can you hear more, that you are so bad for him that he feels it's wrong decision of having me in his life.