I have barely confessed my love, expressed to someone I say I love.
I prefer to be strong , fearless , not much affected with the world,
But my heart knows its very delicate, it gets easily affected , especially when it involves with the person I care about.
I feel stupid to love a narcissist, self centered , manipulative, possessive man. Love more than he could ever, I know he do love me but in his own very different way. I have always proudly declared my love more than him, only did I know it would ruin my belief of the love I had in my life.
I am now not only broken soul, but no longer a believer, I don't trust this 'love' part, i now feel you let you that logical character of yours who make decisions with all possibilities.
But like a foolish lover you shut that system and love this one person so madly that nothing ahead is logically or wrong . You can change for him and want to do anything and at all limits .
I am an emotional fool, who loved him whole heartedly, it took time to trust but when I did I open heartedly loved him. I even changed myself for him, the core character of a person they say, I tried changing that for him.
My whole life revolved around him, his likes and dislikes, his schedules and his lifestyle. I am no longer the person I was before I met and known him. I agree I have made my decisions I am not proud for, but I am changing for him and open heartedly want to do everything I can , just for him.
He broke my heart once, twice and then again, and everytime I followed behind like a lost puppy. I didnt want to lose him at any cost, I lost my dignity everytime I kneeled over for him. I have done everything I could , just for him to stay back , not to leave me, to save this relationship.
Never did I know, no matter how many times you save , if the person dont wish to save your relationship , it won't make any difference. It would be that broken vase, no matter how many times you glue it will crack with the slightest wind.
He shattered my heart with the words that one can say to their enemies, he didnt think twice before calling out names that can't be taken back. He promised he will change , but everytime things went haywire he will turn on his self defense and first attack me by his actions.
To work things in future , he suggested to keep distance , to ignore his reactions and let go of him, but how to get this heart to unlove you, to be distance. Every failure get me to taste the worse side of you.
My heart beats heavier with you coming closer when you are not yourself. Or may be you were always this way, just I get to see this true picture at your bad phase.
I can't confront, I can't speak my heart to you, cause I know you won't understand but in return, take every single reaction of mine against me and get more distant than earlier.
I loved you even when you crossed the line I kept in my mind, still loved you , this time with a fear of repeating history. With months passing by , somewhere I felt you have changed but we all know the true character of a person can stay hidden for sometime but can't wipe out.
You promised to change , not to repeat and yet here we are, me crying for you, my heart sinking for we are way apart and go any extent to be together. May be that belief got you to unleash the devil side and hurt me even more, everytime more than the earlier.
You know my weakness , you know me, and somehow its me who shown you my true side . I would have been better off with my mask I show the whole world.
Never confess my love to you, you know I am madly in love with you, and I never know the reason, when it turned so out of my control.
Even with all your bullshit, I take your shit and go along with your crap, give another chance to the relationship. I dont want to lose you , somehow the thought of spending my life without you gets me on my nerves.
I express and I love to communicate ,but you are totally opposite, you want to hoard everything within. Even i go quiet especially when i know it is waste of energy and the front person wpnt understand your feelings. You always would be misunderstood, you would be treated like a piece of shit.
I wish you ever realize how you make me feel, I wish you understand , even after all the manipulation, I choose you, I want you in my life. I wish you loved me more than yourself, to learn to forgive and forget and choose me over your anger.
I wish you know I am reaching my limits, my edge to wait for a change , to wait for you , to wait for you to love me more than I will ever.
I wish you know I have kept my self respect locked when it came to you, and you always punched my trust , my confidence to know you enough.
You will always be a mystery, everytime things go smooth, you pick a topic which could have let go easily, and when I try to communicate you would throw me far away.
One single word and that will be taken against me and stretch it to an extent it unleash our extreme character. I wish you know i will always choose you over anything , but you choose to hurt my self respect , my dignity , my character.
You called me names and a character one won't call their loved ones, still with time I learned to forget and forgive you. May be thats the mistake , got you confident. Its all okay to go any extent , she won't go anywhere.
I never asked any materialistic gifts from you, but you gave me and when things went sour you made sure you broke my heart, my self respect and took everything . Not that I care of them, but I care the gifts you gave you, memories it holds along . And you shattered my heart all over again, my trust , my love for you.
I pray and hope you realize before I move on with this repetition pattern, I get stone heart and learn to let go. Don't care by your actions, have you only at your best.
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