Loving just Break You

Is it supposed to feel this way,

Withdrawing away from the phase of 'loving him',

Pushing far away the feeling of 'wanting him'

Urge to kiss him, get in the arms , tightly until the heartbeats heard

Want to cry out loud,  vent out the anger, want to express how much I missed him.

I have to hold back the emotions , knowing its a repetitive pattern, for him to feel superior , to feel wanted , to feel important. 

To show that you are nothing in comparison to him. 

He will always over power, be controlling and be put first in this relationship. 

Your feelings needs to be kept back seat and only his emotions needs to be addressed and respected.

You can't express cause then he would get into guilt trip and blame everything back at you, and even claim you to be the person who made him respond this way. He loves playing the victim and wants his space to be respected, but he often forgets there is two character in a relationship and when you say yes , you have ups and downs.

I always be in a fear of losing him, to hurt him, to disrespect his ego that he loves alot. Sometimes I feel I am no one in this relationship cause he pushes you this far and claim you are no one ,its easy for him to walk out the minute everything seems off.

I am that easy for you to shatter this dream we living, break my heart into thousand pieces , to break that trust that I gave you, after all the strength I gathered to be in this relationship even with the sourness. I always choose you and will choose you, over my ego , my self respect, but probably you got that as leverage to disrespect at every step.

First hurting by words, then by actions , then physically and now taking back everything you ever gave me, not just taking away,  shattering that tiniest wish of getting everything like it used to.

Sometime I wish I was what he calls, I would have won many hearts and many gifts from every men, probably not been a fool for love but knew to get people as per as your way.

He say , You pushed me this far for me to say all those words, but is that possible, how can someone disrespect you,  assassin your character,  break your heart and expect you to not just care or respond.  Isn't it obvious those who dont care would be the ones who may not be bothered by your act. If I am still hoping for everything to be normal that means I am still loving even if involves hurting myself , not caring about your own self respect and still choosing you over.

You gave me something that you took promise from me to never remove , always will protect me , earlier arguments I used to just give you, this time you asked me back, not that I ever cared of myself that I would be bothered what will happen without it. But the fact you pushing me this far makes me feel , its just me in this relationship who ever wanted to work things out.

You gifted me in love and then break it, throw it away, keep it apart . The watch you spent a fortune , I never ever asked from you in first place, I am never someone who would be flattered with the price tag on it, even if it was mere cheap gift still I would have preserved with whole heart. You not only took from me but you broke into pieces and you know the funny part , it broke along my every hope to plead for you to come back. You may later say its just a gift I can buy you several more in life. But here after I know it comes at a cost,  only until I am a pleaser for you would I have these materialized love you showered at me to prove your love.

You didnt think twice before giving back those letters I opened my heart out , my feelings, my emotions for you and you threw it like it was just nothing.

I always wanted to ask you , am I that easy for you to just walk out, would you not be bothered of my absence , I am literally no one to you and so easy to forget, I am literally nothing but a phase you had at your weak moments. I am a mistake like you always claim when you angry. 

You knew from start I am very emotional , I dont trust easily or get connected but you let me believe you are mine and my search for that love I am been searching along these many years is to an end.

You made me believe in love , in you, in us and a future together,  to grow older, to grow big, i dont even know if anything is true anymore.

That eyes which had love is filled with hatred, with revenge to hurt me more, to feel superior to feel powerful, to control and make decisions of our future.

How can you be so selfish , when you were someone who was selfless for me, was that all lie and I have been living this lie with a hope you are my everything. 

I feel I know nothing , I dont have any hold on anything,  just want to sleep and never get up, to walk on the road and somewhere deep down hope I meet with an accident and end my life. Cause I know even when I think of ending my life I can't and know there are many dependent on me. 

I wish I was selfish and I kept me over anyone . I wish I have that strength to let go of you, even when you would come back I may not be same person somewhere I may never want to have anything from you again, cause you just didnt take a minute to get everything separated like it meant nothing. It wasn't just a thing but memories.

That lifeless teddy I hold and cried , hugged all night , you took everything away , do you think I could ever have that sense of security with you, the place I called safe space is the one who brings anxiety , a call , a text, a meet, my heart race so fast. 

I may need time to get back to myself but like you agreed upon for the space you wished for, I will try to be that person as well, may be, be like your past, not care much , not be bothered by your actions, be with you to the phase you stable. 

Love you in installment,  love you with conditions,  love you once when you want someone in your life, and run the minute you want that space you crave so much. I hope you happy with the silence , with the frozen and outside food. I hope you enjoying the ample time left with you to clean to do whatever you craved for, for sleeping the whole bed and not having to worry to give that shoulder in sleep. No more good morning kisses, the coffee troubles, the extra food guilt, the expenses on impulse shopping and gifts. You are all on your own. 

love till it breaks you

I love you , too common words but I know Its very special for me,

I have barely confessed my love, expressed to someone I say I love.

I prefer to be strong , fearless , not much affected with the world,

But my heart knows its very delicate, it gets easily affected , especially when it involves with the person I care about.

I feel stupid to love a narcissist,  self centered , manipulative,  possessive man. Love more than he could ever, I know he do love me but in his own very different way. I have always proudly declared my love more than him, only did I know it would ruin my belief of the love I had in my life.

I am now not only broken soul, but no longer a believer, I don't trust this 'love' part, i now feel you let you that logical character of yours who make decisions with all possibilities. 

But like a foolish lover you shut that system and love this one person so madly that nothing ahead is logically or wrong . You can change for him and want to do anything and at all limits .

I am an emotional fool, who loved him whole heartedly, it took time to trust but when I did I open heartedly loved him. I even changed myself for him, the core character of a person they say,  I tried changing that for him.

My whole life revolved around him, his likes and dislikes, his schedules and his lifestyle. I am no longer the person I was before I met and known him. I agree I have made my decisions I am not proud for, but I am changing for him and open heartedly want to do everything I can , just for him.

He broke my heart once,  twice and then again, and everytime I followed behind like a lost puppy. I didnt want to lose him at any cost, I lost my dignity everytime I kneeled over for him. I have done everything I could , just for him to stay back , not to leave me, to save this relationship. 

Never did I know, no matter how many times you save , if the person dont wish to save your relationship , it won't make any difference. It would be that broken vase, no matter how many times you glue it will crack with the slightest wind.

He shattered my heart with the words that one can say to their enemies, he didnt think twice before calling out names that can't be taken back. He promised he will change , but everytime things went haywire he will turn on his self defense and first attack me by his actions.

To work things in future , he suggested to keep distance , to ignore his reactions and let go of him, but how to get this heart to unlove you, to be distance. Every failure get me to taste the worse side of you.

My heart beats heavier with you coming closer when you are not yourself. Or may be you were always this way, just I get to see this true picture at your bad phase. 

I can't confront, I can't speak my heart to you, cause I know you won't understand but in return,  take every single reaction of mine against me and get more distant than earlier.

I loved you even when you crossed the line I kept in my mind, still loved you , this time with a fear of repeating history. With months passing by , somewhere I felt you have changed but we all know the true character of a person can stay hidden for sometime but can't wipe out. 

You promised to change , not to repeat and yet here we are, me crying for you, my heart sinking for we are way apart and go any extent to be together. May be that belief got you to unleash the devil side and hurt me even more, everytime more than the earlier. 

You know my weakness , you know me, and somehow its me who shown you my true side . I would have been better off with my mask I show the whole world.

Never confess my love to you, you know I am madly in love with you, and I never know the reason,  when it turned so out of my control. 

Even with all your bullshit, I take your shit and go along with your crap, give another chance to the relationship. I dont want to lose you , somehow the thought of spending my life without you gets me on my nerves.

I express and I love to communicate ,but you are totally opposite,  you want to hoard everything within. Even i go quiet especially when i know it is waste of energy and the front person wpnt understand your feelings. You always would be misunderstood,  you would be treated like a piece of shit.

I wish you ever realize how you make me feel, I wish you understand , even after all the manipulation,  I choose you, I want you in my life. I wish you loved me more than yourself, to learn to forgive and forget and choose me over your anger.

I wish you know I am reaching my limits, my edge to wait for a change , to wait for you , to wait for you to love me more than I will ever.

 

I wish you know I have kept my self respect locked when it came to you, and you always punched my trust , my confidence to know you enough.

You will always be a mystery, everytime things go smooth,  you pick a topic which could have let go easily, and when I try to communicate you would throw me far away.

One single word and that will be taken against me and stretch it to an extent it unleash our extreme character. I wish you know i will always choose you over anything , but you choose to hurt my self respect , my dignity , my character.

You called me names and a character one won't call their loved ones, still with time I learned to forget and forgive you. May be thats the mistake , got you confident. Its all okay to go any extent , she won't go anywhere.

I never asked any materialistic gifts from you, but you gave me and when things went sour you made sure you broke my heart, my self respect and took everything . Not that I care of them, but I care the gifts you gave you, memories it holds along . And you shattered my heart all over again, my trust , my love for you.  

I pray and hope you realize before I move on with this repetition pattern, I get stone heart and learn to let go. Don't care by your actions, have you only at your best. 

Your True Image

They say, You are lucky when you find someone who loves you.

But I feel you truly lucky if they love you more than you can love them.

And more than love there is respect, patience and care for one another.

The depth of love truly shows when things are not going as planned, when there is ups and downs in the relationship, thats truly when they show where your relationship stands .

They would show their true image of how they feel about you , it won't matter how many promises they gave to spend their life with you.

With time and experience i have accepted one harsh reality , if someone disrespect you when they are angry, they may apologize later but at the heat hurt with sharp words that pierce your heart into tiniest pieces. They are not lying they are telling that truth they otherwise wouldn't be able to speak out.

You shouldn't forgive and totally not tolerated if they abuse you or get physical, its no point to be loved at one point and pushed in ground the very minute things dont go as planned.

Once you forgive them,  they know its okay and can be repeated cause it comes along with repetition and an apology alongside. 

You give them the power to suppress you , to hurt you and overpower with their words with their actions. That's not love then , its a power to control your partner , to feel superior .