hate and love

How can someone love and hate the same person so much,

I wish I got so strong cause even when i gather all my strength to forget him , learn to live without him, yet I lose every single time.

Everytime I get back with him to just wait for another argument that's bigger than the previous one. To see him shatter your heart even more this time, to give him that control over you, he knows it very well how to play with you, he's too good with it. He claims to know me , may be thats why he gets the urge to break me one more time.

He knows he can control me  , his every steps alter my mood my day, and its my mistake only after all cause i gave him the power to rule my life.  

I feel sometimes he likes to play with me , my life he likes the feeling of being the powerful one  and so like every alpha animal he keeps marking his territory, but he often forgets one part, i loved him without asking him to change himself, Infact without him forcing me i amended almost everything from my life, I broke my friendship with my past, a barrier with my family,  even agreed to walk my path with him towards future.

But he kept poking looking at my past and having fear that I would do same thing, when he forgets it's my decision to be with him, he gave me a promise which is like a recite, I won't cheat him, and I have stood by the promise. Idiot don't even think once, if i was wandering around,  wouldn't I be bothered the moment he walks from that door.

I told him my fear of stopping someone I love again and again, and there he proved my fear back and forth. He wants me like a puppet , he will play with my feelings and when he is bored or upset he will throw me in a corner like he never knew me.

He still will peep from corner and then wait for the chance to play the blame game, i sure do know he loves to be the God father of all. He knows he can make and ruin someone's life and he loves to play that game.

But he forgets it's me who chose to be with him to be when he have nothing to offer, even in the dark phase of his , it was me who stood by him. How can he then claim to be the cheater,  when I was the only one who stood by him at the hour when no one did.

How can he forget all the things i did for him, with him, without asking anything in return except love and then he shower this level of hatred which I never deserve , for he drinks to the brim to just forget me, self loathe himself , play the victim card, where he is the one who is the master mind.

Like a fool I mere dance by his steps,  and sometimes I feel , I shouldn't do this same routine of running behind him everytime he is left alone, not wanting him to know i am weak and i can do anything for him.

He knows that part and hence he always plays with my feelings and to an extent agrees I am no one to him, just mere piece of shit. Then why is this stupid heart still adamant to love him , even when he have hurt me this level that I may never trust anyone ever, never open to anyone,  infact forget about anyone I don't need anyone any longer , all that i ever wanted for someone to love me the way i do, i wouldn't  have to ever look for anyone , with him thats what happened , literally norms my life revolved around him and that's why I just loose myself even more when this same person who puts me this top over his head, drags me throws me on floor like I am no one to him and it don't make any difference if am alive or dead, why should I still give him chances. In return everytime it's me who have danced around him even when it's never my mistake, I wish he used his wise brains where it should be.

I hope this time he don't delay longer cause I have to hold on this same routine, since he crossed all the limits,  he did leave a scar that'd haunt me for lifetime. I may not stop loving him,  am too stupid and weak for that but until that time , I would hold myself firm and let him realize my value, if he won't,  well we all know how it works, I have to still move on with my life. Promising myself , not to ever trust someone with my heart . Not to give that power to destroy me this level.

Power to Destroy you

Feels free and yet tied, 

That silent knot tied even with this alone phase

After ages got so alone without anyone around , just silence and peaceful surrounding

After too much of chaos,  too much hatred, too much violence

Yet something feels out of order

Knowing it's a phase where I need to gather myself and grow stronger and firm to be back alone,

Still waiting for this stupid heart to stop feeling all this avalanche inside me,

Yet also reached that phase , where I need not prove myself anymore

May the world call me characterless , I know what i have been searching my whole life, there goes a time when he said or can say cursed i may never find love in my life. 

Honestly I don't think I would now ever open my heart to anyone, I kept begging over and over again hoping i dont get into this zone of robot, shrewd character , which knows to earn money and use brains, throw away all thoughts suggested by stupid heart.

After all isn't it that the main cause of problem on first go, to prove someone i kept going to eden garden , eating the forbidden apples and now like eve i deserve my punishment.

I agree , am unlucky in love, I may never 2wnt to ever get myself in this state of feeling stupid and selfless . Even after so much hatred and naming all sorts, still i dont know why i still wait at that doorstep hoping for him to return back and get back to old days.

My forever fear with him was if I never try he may never even try once  I know its wrong , i should know its mere dragging days , but how to get this heart strong,  I wish I had never met him, never trusted him, never loved him so unconditionally . I would have preferred to be friends than this known strangers

I never cheated him even once,  and he kept doubting every minute even when i have always kept everything so transparent . I agree i never disclosed my past  cause I knew he won't ever understand why my steps were taken, I wasn't desperate for physical pleasure but just wanted to be loved and it made me take decisions i am not proud of. 

Yet i own every decisions of my life, doesn't mean he had to judge me now , he knew me , my lifestyle and still he didn't see all the changes i made in me, for him, for us.

And even after everything i did, he still doubts and keep degrading by naming the worst possible names one may not give to their enemy also, sometimes I feel it wouldn't have happened if I didn't gave him that space , that right for destroying me this level

I got so engrossed with him , my whole life turned around him and he don't trust me,  even after loving this unconditionally,  it's so true never love someone , be with someone who loves you more than you can love him. Or else you give them that power to destroy you shatter your heart in millions.

crossing all lines

Today you crossed your line of hitting me, choking me till I couldn't hold back,  wow i must be really that worse

You crossed line by calling me something you didn't wanted me to even call me

You abused me in front of people , you literally threw me away like a piece of garbage 

You crossed every ways one do while they walk away from the person, and like a fool i kept stopping you still from going away

I hate the fact i changed myself for you, I haven't been this dedicated to someone,  this loyal ever in my relationship , prioritize you over me 

And what i understood today , I am nothing but a real crap whom you did biggest mistake in falling in love

You didn't think twice but to blackmail and threatened to ruin my life , but the worse part is you didn't bother to tell what was my mistake.

For what happened in my past, you weren't knowing , or you thinking I am still the same person. Cause i have never understood when you could ever trust me

Good we never pinned to marriage cause surely you would leave me everytime you had a doubt, you won't think twice before you naked me character wise

You would never ever have trust on me even if you say you would. I know i have been proudly with you announcing people I am with you and I am dedicated with you, but all that you care is your insecurities and garbage.

Yes you don't deserve me and my love , cause my God knows I loved you unconditionally,  crazily without any expectations,  without any benefits in return.

Otherwise a girl like me won't ever settle for a doubtful insecure inhuman man like you. You call yourself devil right,  yes you are , and I still accepted you for the way you are. But even when you said you have and you will, you won't ever change , forget it

You would be proud to say you left me, you would be happy for being single and not loved in life. It's biggest mistake of yours and I am done being a teacher , being selfless and running behind you and holding you back 

You are right I should have got that slap long time back I would have been happy to realize with time you won't ever be someone I can spend my whole life, you always will have a foot outside the room , all ready to run away the moment things aren't right. (Atleast that's what you assume always)

selfish love

How can someone get so ruthless in anger ,

I can never abuse someone i say i love ,

Definitely i will fight, argue and even get angry , but I can never disrespect someone's dignity.

And in return i end up having him who have no sense of talking when in anger .

He always speak so much of hatred and just throws me out of his life the moment he assumes things aren't his way .

Today he crossed his line of literally saying he will involve people to get rid of me.

Not only that he abused me and literally threw me out of the place blaming i am ruining his character in the work place.

Today he crossed his own promise and called me cheap names , abused me, for once i knew i shouldn't be there, i shouldn't run behind him. I am not a dog who have no respect of own and follows his master.

I know how much i have changed for him yet he would always have doubt on me, I agree i have a past i am not proud of, but whole heartedly i have accepted him and have been loyal with him without once thinking of anyone else.

He didn't like someone touching me, someone getting close to me, I literally changed my whole lifestyle for him. Yet he keeps doubting over and over again .

He agreed that he did biggest mistake of his life by loving me. What worse can you hear more, that you are so bad for him that he feels it's wrong decision of having me in his life.

Monster in Love

You are a monster i fell in love with , 

You knew you are made to be alone ,

Yet you made me fall in love with you ,

I was happy with my lost path ,

With bits and pieces of love i get in the path , 

Yet not with this heart ache ,

I knew I am not supposed to let go my shield,

Never to fall in love ever in life,

Already have many repentance and regrets , didn't need another one to tag along .

I wish you never flaunted your good side ,

Get me so acquainted with you in my daily life, 

Now its difficult for me to even breathe alone , forget about living my life at ease .

I wish you knew I have my own self respect that I throw in garbage everytime I have to follow you while you decide to run away.

You don't even realize how much it hurts to have someone you think is yours and allnat once they make you feel you nothing but a replaceable piece in their life.

You are thrown like a fly from the way, 

You are no longer needed ,

When will you be understood , loved , given a piece of assurance.

How easily they can say , who are you.?

You are nobody , you don't have any rights to stop him walk away.

You were just temporary phase , that's only good until everything is okay .

He would be the first person to run the moment things not smooth ,

Isn't that life course , it's bound to happen .

But isn't it unfair to say ,

You the reason he is alone he broke his social life , but didn't you do the same for him.

Didn't you stop talking with everyone cause he didn't like , he didn't want you to share with anyone else , have a shoulder to lean upon, but will not be hesitant to let go that hand he himself firmly hold.

Is vows on paper only that value, is other relationships have no rights , then how can he just break things , say harsh stuffs everytime he's bored, he's hazzle .

He expects you to be robot , just leave him alone for his own sweet time, until he is no longer disturb and trust me there ain't no timeline given.

You act like he's not there in the room, you pick your chores and just ignore the big fat ass , even if you feel the urge to be by him, especially when things not right. Isn't that's what relationship are for, to be in Joy and sorrow, sickness and good days.

Even after knowing everytime you are sick, you are disturb, you are still left alone , you yourself have to pick the pieces and fight your own battle. He don't have empathy over your heart that's filled with hurt so much that it cries out every little thing that's happening around. But surely that gives another reason to get annoyed,  for how silly and stupid it sounds to be this weak.

He who promised he would never watch me be sad, never let me cry, he don't even care that I am literally crying my heart out and dammit for whom, that same stupid heartless soul who is the reason of these tears. 

Who won't even care to wipe the tears, in return get into conclusion , you are always weeping , you are the reason for his loneliness.

And without yet understanding that he don't need you as whole, just the good happy part. Once that's done he wouldn't hesitate to throw you away, knowing you would still follow like a lost puppy.

You call yourself a monster, but how to forget I have already fallen in love, and the day i hold myself hard , I won't come back and to the fact you won't care and be stubborn enough to loose what's good , what could be for life. Yet you won't think twice to end everything,  for you care only and only your ego. Your anger is at top , you care at that moment no one, just suffice your urge to feel superior.

Think once how easy step would it be to just walk and not turn back, you think I can't, u surely can i just value our love more than the rest. Hence keep trying over and over again, even when my mind keep telling not to, to let go , wait and watch,  give some time to cool,  but again this stupid heart, knows how it is to be alone, to feel lonely, to urge for someone to be by you.

I wish you know what you losing before I lose myself and lose the urge to be the only one to try and keep trying. 

Yet another Fool

Everytime I feel my chase is over ,

My wander heart finally gets a home , 

At last someone i can call mine ,

Someone i can show my rights 

He who would pamper and shower love i deserve , 

That i have been craving my whole life .

When will this chase get to an end ,

Why do we have to get hurt and start over again .

I hate to end a chapter that gave so many memories ,

Why can't I be easier and know to let things go ,

Know when it's time and not yours to chase .

It would have been lot easier if I just shut my stupid heart and be more of sense .

I hate it even more that I am the shoulder for many ,

Show path to the rest and keep telling not to use heart but trust the mind. 

What happens when the same needs to be implemented for your ownself .

It's said right when you love someone ,you give right for them to smash your heart and break into tiny pieces .

And just like another fool who have fallen in love, you chase like a puppy without any self respect to hold .

Blaming over and over again,  may be its you again this time , for giving another reason to fight , to disappoint , to end .

Shedding tears to the ungrateful  , heartless soul , who knew the consequences yet you fall in love all over again , let you trust , let you believe , you are not alone.