Following Shadows

With time.. One get experience many incidences that mould the person.. For good or for bad..
Those experiences are what mature you with or before time..
Turn you harder from the older version of you..

Keep haunting you time to time, stopping you from doing same stupid mistakes that dragged you into issues..
That poke you periodically standing as a mental barrier..

We may sit and laugh over some of the stupid stuffs we did that was total against our nature and personality..
Some make you laugh and others cry..
However, makes you what you are what you are at present..

Life gives you more chances than we expect, but also sends along with memories as shadows that will dawn you till the last breath..

With time even starting fresh turns so difficult..
We get so used to with present, we get scared for change..
For starting over from the scratch..
Making all efforts from the beginning, leaving back the old ones..

Lil moments that was so dear, particular place you were once emotionally attached. Everything at a toss for one change..

After time you never realize even when you try doing stuffs back..
May be you won't realize, that excitement you had once when you tried for first time with the other person or alone..
That's changed.. You don't react that innocently like you used to..

You never realize you no longer like to sit in terrace watching sky, which was once your favorite pastime..
Or may be any of your hobby, you no longer follow your passion for the other person ruined it with sad ending..

Even if you find a person ahead or behind you, hoping to walk along with you hand in hand, still assuring to hold you and protect everytime you fall..
The very person who used to be so emotionally soft, don't really buy those expressions.
And probably prefer breaking the others heart by behaving out of the way from the very nature..

Truly its rightly said, your company makes your or breaks you.. No wonder its so important to choose right company, and not just go for the sake of not being alone..

Who are you to me.

When you include someone in your life..
And you give them that space..
To let them care and love..
To do the same in return..
You also give them the right to hurt you..
That's harsh fact of relation..

They start expecting..
If not in return hurt you.. By words or action..

After I opened lil I get to hear..
That person's no one to me.. And I don't say anything cause of it..
I lie and hide things cause he don't mean anything to me..

Few days back if someone would have said..
Yes I gave a shit about it.. As I am never answerable to anyone to what I do.. With whom I go with..
But my bad.. I break my own rules..

Letting someone enter my closed life..
Sharing stuffs that I actually never share..
After sharing this much care and love..
I get to hear this.. Wow..

No wonder, I don't give anyone that right to hurt me..
That right to control me.. To show rights on me..
Less burden.. Less hurt.. Less complications..

Really who are you to me..
Why in world do I make so much exclusion for you..
Trying to change myself for you..
May be really.. Yet you are no one to me..
And It should not matter what happens in your life..
I should back be myself not to take care or show any affection for you.
I shall keep in mind.. Certainly..

Who are you to me.

When you include someone in your life..
And you give them that space..
To let them care and love..
To do the same in return..
You also give them the right to hurt you..
That's harsh fact of relation..

They start expecting..
If not in return hurt you.. By words or action..

After I opened lil I get to hear..
That person's no one to me.. And I don't say anything cause of it..
I lie and hide things cause he don't mean anything to me..

Few days back if someone would have said..
Yes I gave a shit about it.. As I am never answerable to anyone to what I do.. With whom I go with..
But my bad.. I break my own rules..

Letting someone enter my closed life..
Sharing stuffs that I actually never share..
After sharing this much care and love..
I get to hear this.. Wow..

No wonder, I don't give anyone that right to hurt me..
That right to control me.. To show rights on me..
Less burden.. Less hurt.. Less complications..

Really who are you to me..
Why in world do I make so much exclusion for you..
Trying to change myself for you..
May be really.. Yet you are no one to me..
And It should not matter what happens in your life..
I should back be myself not to take care or show any affection for you.
I shall keep in mind.. Certainly..

Don't be that person.

Don't fight with me..
I am capable even to handle the fights I started in first place..

Don't suggest me..
I speak to you only cause I want someone to hear me out not suggest me with solution. I am sure I might find some answer to my confusion.

Don't lift me..
I might find it tough to get up but I shall get up on my own. Once or twice you shall lift me but what for the rest of my life.

Don't suppress me..
I might hear you once but after a time you can't hold me with all the strength of the world.

Don't break my trust..
You surely will walk out of my life.. But someone deserving may not get the place he deserved in my life.

Don't show you care..
If you don't really mean please don't enact as you give a shit about me.

Don't love me for fun..
You might wanna give a chance to get your hidden benefit but you may bring out the worst in me for lifetime. And someone may have to bear the fire of your seed you sown.

Dont stand my way..
If you can't walk with me then better don't stop my way to walk ahead. I may slow down but I am sure I won't stay a place for long. Whether my path have you or not.

Just don't be someone I curse for lifetime.
But someone I will pray and bless you for life.
Someone I will want to be touch for my entire life ahead.

Kuch unke labz

तेरी यादों से भरी है मेरे दिल की तिजोरी
अब कोई कोहिनूर भी दे तो सौदा ना करूँ ....

मेरे ख़त में जो भीगी भीगी सी लिखावट है,
स्याही में थोड़ी सी मेरे अश्कों की मिलावट है..।

काश तेरे इश्क में इस तरह निलाम हो जाऊं,
आखिरी बोली तेरी हो, और मैं तेरे नाम हो जाऊं....!!

एक तेरे ख्वाबों का शौक - एक तेरी याद की आदत  तू ही बता सोकर तेरा दीदार करूं या जागकर तुझे याद...!!

Door hone par jo itna yaad karte hain hum aapko,
Kya hoga jab aap mere kareeb honge !!!

कैसे करूँ मैं साबित…कि तुम याद बहुत आते हो…
एहसास तुम समझते नही…और अदाएं हमे आती नहीं…

*मेरी झोली में कुछ अल्फाज अपनी दुआओं के डाल दे ऐ दोस्त!*
*क्या पता तेरे लब हिलें और मेरी _तक़दीर_ संवर जाये …!!!*

Tu iss tarah se meri zindagi main shaamil hain
Jahan bhi jaun to lagta hain teri mehfil hain

तुम्हारी खुशबु कंही नही मिलती जान
फूल सारे खरीद के देखे हैं मैंने
कर दे शामिल मुझे भी अपने
उन बंदो में ऐ मेरे मालिक,

जो सोते हैं जान को याद करते करते
जो उठते हैं जान का नाम लेते लेते है

सुना है बहुत बारिश है तुम्हारे शहर में,ज़्यादा भीगना मत जान क्यों की अगर धुल गयी सारी ग़लतफ़हमियाँ,तो बहुत याद आएँगे हम

कुछ पल खामोशियों में खुद से रूबरू हो लेने दो यारों,
मुद्दतों से  जिंदगी के शोर में खुद को सुना नहीं मैंने.....!!

*ये ना पूछना*
      *ज़िन्दगी ख़ुशी कब देती है,*
   *क्योकि शिकायते तो उन्हें भी है*
      *जिन्हें ज़िन्दगी सब देती है*
           
सीने में छूपाये फिरते है चाहत तुम्हारी
तभी तो मेरी ज़िंदगी का दूसरा नाम भी ज़िंदगी ही हैं...

बिन बुलाये आ जाता है सवाल नहीं करता,
ये तेरा ख्याल भी ना मेरा ख्याल नही करता...

Aisi hi hai woh

Woh ladki jisse kuch na karna pade phir bhi Qayamat jaisi lage

Woh ladki jo pure and honest at heart , one of a kind, can carry herself in any situation and yet come out shinning, one who can turn simple daily moments into a lifetime of amazing memories, woh ladki jo tujhe agar pyaar se ek.zalak dekh le.to Aisa Lage ke tere Saab dua kabool ho gayi.

Woh ladki jo tera haath pakad ke to Aisa Lage ke Aab saaala tu duniya Jeet leegA

Woh jo bus itna bol.de ke main hoon tere saath aur tu sabse ladkh ke Jeet jayega

Woh Agar tere saath Hain to haar bhi saabse bade jeet Jaisi lage

Ek Good morning Dil se bolde to din sala accha Jana hi hain

Ek goodnight bol de toh Saab kuch bhul ke tu chain se uski baahon main soo jaye
Woh agar ro de to Saab kuch khatam wali feel aaye aur woh haans de to "Aab Saab mera" wala feel as jaye

Woh daant bhi de to ajooba si zindagi bun jaye

Woh gussa kar de to Dil main yeh mere leye accha hone wala hai wali feeling as jaye

Woh jiske Naam se Mann Khushi se jhoom jaye

Waise hi hai meri pari

Next phase

With the new phase we stepped in..
Came more complications.. More differences..
Longing of togetherness yet so much far.
More and more frustration around..
Fighting within inside with the fire for some better moment..

Can't explain what's happening within myself heart..
So much anger.. So Much anxiousness..
I wish we had some more of our time..
Before we got with all other complications between us..

Grudge with the conditions that have part us so away from each other.
Timings that don't match with our feelings..
So much to speak and so less time to share..

Times when I need you so badly.. Want your warm hug, your cuddles. The way you stare at me with those puppy eyes. The warmth that you share with me even if its just a moment.

I wish I could control on my anger, but I couldn't express what's happening in this heart. Although you do make me crazy and urge to punch you badly. But that's ok will leave for later moments when you get perfectly fine.

However dont tease anything related to my self respect as that's last thing you would want to do, hurt me to the deepest.

Good or bad part is we have stepped forward from the first phase of relation. Let's leave for future what brings in our basket.

You Make Me

You make me wanna hear you for hours..
Even when I get too conscious at times..

You make me wanna smile again..
Smile with openness, accepting the life as it comes with it.

You make me wanna live my life ..
Life with confidence, with a promise to have better tomorrow.

You make me wanna live for present.
Just feel the moment keeping aside my worries .

You make me wanna trust again.
Give my heart with a belief to be kept safely till the end.

You make me wanna love and be loved.
Love without fear and be loved without conditions and expectations in return .

You make me be myself.
With all my craziness and nonsense which not all can tolerate .

You accept me with the good and bad side.
Without forcing me to change, but accepting the way I am.

Unplanned Meetings

No matter how much we Try, one gets only when it's right time.
All your trials will be worthless if its meant to happen at that moment.
Rightly said, all on destiny everything's written .

Who knew after all the trials and pain for spending time with you, I will meet you like this today when I was not even expected to drop by.

May be that's why it's said, if you have pure intention , it takes only a chance to respond. Like yesterday afternoon after I left, that was another moment to count .

Even with pass and coming during visiting hours they didn't let me meet you or something unexpected turns kept occurring. I still can't believe I entered inside the premises without pass and with so much confidence and they didn't caught till the end.

So out of the way and so unlike me. But was totally worth for the time we got to spend with each other. That's all it matters isn't it, behind all the efforts . May be really someday we sit and laugh on these lil stuffs we did to spend some more time with each other .

You look so better than all the other days, even better when you were spending time with your family. Your quarrels with brothers for petty issues that was not even needed . But isn't that all you creates memories.

Happy to see your parents there by you, especially when you need some good company. I might not be near by but you know the truth, I will always be in your thoughts and heart. It's a matter of few weeks, May not exactly same but somewhere we get near by.

After today's view, am more relieved that you are in safe hands and all will be fine. I can now worry less and that urge to meet you daily will be lessen for next two days till they there to take care of you .

May be wait for another unplanned meeting, another opportunity to grab and get some more moments to go along to remember later and laugh.

Unleash Myself

Unleash myself..
Wasn't that something you wanted me to do from myself..
I remember you saying, you need to unlearn and find the old me..
Someone you found inside me long time back before I even showed a small sign of my old me.
I have been so closed to the world, surely not wanting anyone to enter.
I accepted the reality, you show your true personality they will use it against you.  Your ways of expressing your feelings will be used against you.
Your emotions would be nothing more than your weakness.
Your level of trust will be shattered when everytime you open to someone they take you for a toss.
Strange I was never this hard , never so practical, always used my heart and not my mind.
I always stopped anyone trying to know me from the very first start.
Pushing so hard by hurting them all in advance .
Isn't that simple than giving them the power to hurt you one more time .

I was just fine for the new person I became,
Why then , why had you to knock this locked doors?
When I stopped sharing, why did you shared with me so many dark secrets of yours .
When I turned practical, why did you showed the dream sequence.
Why Now, when I have accepted the harsh fact.
How do I unleash myself, when I don't even remember who I was and who I have become.

Then and Now

Hours of nonsense talks.. uncountable stories to share.. squeezing battery till the last percentage.. hundreds of trial to spend lil time more with each other . Stupid excuses to hold back for minute .

Who knew time will take us here, even five minute talk is next to impossible . Who knew when it was tough to stay away an inch , now we are miles away. Who knew every excuse to meet any minute of the day, now we are hostages of hospital time slab.

It was impossible for you to take away your fingers away from me even for a minute. Now you are lying on that bed tied with all the tubes around you .

Your hair that I used to like to play with my fingers, were now clotted with blood stains . You hated to have your hair misplace and even when am around I am helpless.

You couldn't take your eyes away from me . Every attempt to get another look, to capture the moment . And see we were few inch away still it was so difficult for you to even relish my presence . Your eye was completely reddish like blood.

You couldn't keep your lips away from me . Always said you might have given hundreds everyday and there I am standing beside you holding my breath. For your torn lips really hurt me more than it actually hurt you .

Your soft skin are now poked with injections and needles where It was my nails that pierced your skin.

You were so conscious about you using loo while you were on calls . And now I helped you to even get yourself leaked on that bed of pain.

So I wished to punch and slap you for your stupidity like I always do. But your swollen face , bruised skin really pinched my soul .

You surely didn't share what you going through, I could feel it in those happy face and all will be fine attitude of yours. I didn't wish to make you weak so kept myself together and more strong than usual.

May be keeping for later when we sit back in that couch staring at each other and letting eyes do the talking and silence have it's own music .

May be someday soon until then we shall keep in our memories and count our days for another long wait just like a short break for good climax.

Connecting Dots

Even keeping it so personal and away from the world.
Do you even know everyone have been taking updates from me for you .
People literally calling me asking about your progress .

See it's really true we were always bad in hiding from all.
It's seen to all honestly . May be that's the reason I didn't wish to see your family .
I didn't wish to be the reason for their sadness and regret.

Your brother's would be really eager to meet me, wanting to know what's so about her that's made you so crazy.
You actually kept calling me baba and babu in front of them.

Good you have atleast your one brother who understands you and don't judge.
Honestly I was nervous to come in front of anyone after what you performed that stunt at hospital.

But I was not worried for me, honestly i didn't have any answer or justification for them .
What to answer to them. What happened . How it all started . Do you have any answer.

If there were less of your family I would have rather stayed there by you whole time .
But I know my limits. Am still a friend of yours in their eyes.
Happy for the fact they taking good care of yours . That's all I wanted.

I have kept my presence with you, you will be able to get my essence around you .
It was kiddish but that sketch was all I  could bring inside from the eye of security .

I asked you today what day was it, but we were interrupted with that nurse.
It's 4th week, remember we were to celebrate this day as first month to walk together.

If it's 3 years am sure it's ok we can wait more longer. Anyways whom do we need to show, we do have all the time of our life . And Don't worry you won't go so soon, my setting with God is strong.

And have you forgotten it's me who would go first. So stop doing such stunts I won't get scared for you to go away. You have tried your level to do that earlier . So stop trying harder .

All my time from Saturday I was trying to keep myself at ease as I didn't wish to get weak in front of you . I have to be your pillor right these moments when you really want me around .

Luckily you made it easy, you kept that stupidity all around you not letting me know your pain your suffering. I am sure we could have spoke and shared but then I didn't want anyone of us to be weak. Not atleast when it's needed most.

How could you actually ask, will I still look at you after this new face look of yours . I anyways never judged you by your looks. I never even seen you any other way, you called yourself bald, cartoon, old man, and god knows what all.

And I used to just smile and react to all of your kiddoness. Wasn't it always that I let you do everything you always wished for. Without using our words let the time take the route.

What have you made me, am here all alone with our memories with our songs just counting days for everything to come back to track. Though I realize it will take good time to get old days back. But everything's fine unless it has you for better or worst.

Value the absence

You kept me so intact all these days when I was all alone.
You made sure I was not feeling lonely.
You gathered my broken pieces and kept it intact .

You promises all this while for being with me forever and so not done.
You cheated, you left me like this.
You knew I will be by you too just like you were there .
Or were you doubting and needed proof.

I might not be good in consoling  ..
Sugar coating and all ..
But I will be there by you, or atleast near by not letting you left out.

We planned so much for weekend.
We were to celebrate our one month.
What yaar, you were so keen to take break from me.
Don't forget you can't run away so easily .

I missed you ever since the day you have given me such heart taking news.
Our songs our memories our places just with me in my mind.
You not around for waking me at night still there is no sleep in my eye.
Just hearing all our songs, some really pierced me and heart.

I even made some sketches for the time i meet you , hoping that will keep you intact when am not around .
You also must be waiting to see me.
But I wanted you to be around your family more, hoping they will take more care .

Your absence is making me feel empty,
Feel helpless as I am just your friend and hospital won't ever understand us.  Never mind like always whenever you go without me and miss me.

This trip I missed alot . Hoped all was a bad dream and wake up. Everyone around was happy, there were food drinks great music , happiness all around still emptiness all over.

Your absence mattered alot, as I missed alot, the side seat which was always for you was empty as someone decided to ditch and lie on hospital bed.

Hope you recover soon.

Peeling the layers

"Hello baccha, I want to meet you ", this statement is going in my mind from the time I knew you lying on that horrible bed i hate the most.

Realizing your family would be near you, your family would be figgiting with your phone and seen my name saved by you .

Hoping you have deleted our pics , hoping they didn't knew your password, hoping they didn't bothered like you always said .

I am finding it so hard to come today knowing the fact your wife and children would be around you. I don't care what others think of me, but I want them to be there by you more than anyone. I know it's me who relief your pain your stress but they are your family right. How can we neglect that.

There were so many sequence going on my mind. Your brother asking me , yesterday itself, are you his baccha? And how could you? Why are you with him?

And more worried it will break your children's heart. My daddy is wanting another person to be part of his life . Who have got more value than his own wife. Their eyes staring at me with those betrayal feeling.

Even if they didn't see your phone , m sure they might see it in my eyes like you always said. Is this why you did all of it for not going to that stupid get together so that no one sees in our eyes .

How can someone emotionally connect with each other so strongly? I still don't know how can it happen. People of different generation still think so alike, feel so alike, love so alike.

Honestly even if they know I cared about you , not me. I would have said,'I will hear from him, if he says I should leave I shall the very moment '. And yes am his baccha , that person whom you didn't get the space in his heart .

Today morning I got call from your brother sharing all update of you, getting into sense having your cup of tea and also going on liquid diet. And most important your family is here and they are in distress from yesterday .

May be you were wrong they did love you, May be they do care for you too just the way you do. May be it's all misunderstanding and now with this incident all will clean the slate and start from scratch. And there shall be happy ending.

I will always pray for your happiness and what's right for you . Hope this terrible incident bear good fruits in return . But SHAAN what ever it is always remember ,'I will be there by you ' . Somewhere in corner also but near by you , just like you said 5mtr far. Get well soon Dear can't see you this way.

Hum aapke hai kaun?

Today I realized the value of labelling.
Tagging everyone to a relation .
When you are asked several times , who are you to him?
And out of the avalanche in my heart I was trying to find this answer from my mind.
What should I tell them? Who am I really?
They knew only two relation- family and friends .
How to tell them you always valued your friends more than anyone.  Or how your family valued you in their life. How to name our this complicated relation .
All that I told to those hospital people ,'a friend. How it hurt my heart, can't really explain .
After waiting for hours from day to evening when I finally got chance to come near to you . I was so worried how i will react , how it will break my heart to see you there , to feel helpless, to put mask in front of everyone not letting know what am going through .
Luckily they heard my prayers, only one per visitor. I hold my breath and walked towards you as and with time closer my steps truly turned heavy. I prayed whole time for him and now i prayed that it's all a dream and i wake up.
We just had a dream sequence like he always said then why this had to happen, why lord?
The moment I saw his bed I was without words, seeing his bruise face , bleeding Ears, scratched body , torn lips.
But also i saw him sleeping peacefully. It gave me a peace in corner atleast he will rest for a good time, May be now his family will come closer to him, May be they might know the value of head of family.
I stood by you with that flower that I brought for you and a rosary all the while. I hold your hand and called you by your name. You always noticed I never called you by name , here your wish is fulfilled.
I called my heart for you, for you to just open your eyes for once and for once recognize me. May be just like other days i turned your tiredness with my magical wand . But I failed you were lying in front of me and I was helpless.
I was standing quietly by you holding you, rubbing your hands , I even brushed your hair with my fingers .
I told you later I am going like i do , and you tried opening your eyes , and said Why? Mad you! Even with lil of the vision you got you responded the very statement you hate the most . And out of all silence I burst to laughter. Hold you more tightly with a smile on face .
When I was staring you sleeping like a baby, someone came by. He seemed to be curious about me, looked like your brother.  I got my hands from yours still looked at you, still played with that tag they put on your wrist with your name on it.
He asked again same question I had no answer, who am I? This time I said ,' Close friend '. He didn't mind a bit so didn't me. We both were by you, he brought shorts for you . Funny you were half naked and I was just covering you with the blanket with blood stains surely not letting those nurse get some views.
He made me go out, I looked at you for once with deep breath and left the place .
Satish was waiting for his chance got him pass from your niece and one another from your brother and got again chance to pop close to you . Let him and few more people to see you and again walked to you to say ?"bye for now".
How important is it to say,' who am i' ? May be then they would have left me inside for longer or even allowed to stay for the night and meet you during the odd hours . Just be there by you, waiting for the time you opened your eyes and recognized me and called my name for once touching my face assuring everything will be alright .
May be another long wait for another time another day. Why did you do? Why did you only prayed for me and not you. And how come God heard your prayer and not mine, I had asked him to take care of you , to give you all happiness you deserve .
Really maindak who am I to you? Can we explain to others , can we?

Pierced heart

You are very bad and selfish person.
As you were riding your life at such speed you forgot you not alone.
You never bothered to think how hard is it to see you there in that condition .
Even worse to feel helpless and unaware what to do.
Always a thought to try everything to make things right .

Wishing to have power to turn back the time and not let this incident occur .
Like pillor I would stand and cover you from all the trials and troubles.  Where all this while it was you who covered me from my troubles.
It was my wish to go first no matter it's on that stupid bed you lying without any senses.

Do you realise how it feels to stand quietly. Especially when doctor and nurses ask to label our relation .
What to say what am I to you. Who are you to me. I was surely broken deep within.

Felt knife pierced inside when you didn't even responded when I stood by you . You didn't heard your name.  You didn't even felt anything when I hold you hands .

You didn't have sense to even realize there were so many of us who really cared for you .

Wanted to slap you for not taking care of yourself.  It was mere while back we were talking when everything was alright. Till I speak with you and know your condition it's gonna be tough night .

You couldn't stand back a day without meeting now what ?
Didn't you get how M I gonna feel.

Feel like punching and slapping for yoyr behaviour . That stupid hospital also didn't let me be for more than it's visiting hour as they say m not your family. Really .??

There were so many of them wanting to see you and all that I did was stood by you seeing your face so broken. Scratches all the places I could see. Ears bleeding, blood stains felt through your noes , worst was your lips. How could I tell how it felt so bad.

You didn't even feel a bit when that nurse came by you and injected calling you your name . I was hoping for once you open your eyes and see . Know that am around you and everything will be alright . You not alone .

Your brother didn't like me waking you. I was there by you holding your cold fingers. Hoping you hold me back firmly.

I wished to be by you whole time till you get discharged . Heard your family was traveling to come to you . Somewhere I was happy that you won't be alone . But also feared to come closer to you when they around . Knowing the fact I was just a friend someone hospital won't encourage. 11amto 1pm and 6 to 8pm. That's the time when I can get lil chance to peep even keeping in mind if someone wants to get their chance to meet you .

When all that while you prayed for my happiness my wishes my concern.  You went off the track that even god forgot for a while.

You know I brought along something.  Got a handkerchief with my smell of veronica and me. You remember the white flower had a bud along, it bloomed . I hid away from doctor and the checking guys.  But you were so in deep sleep . I realised I troubled you all these weeks in my troubles.  Didn't cared of your health your mind set. Sorry for not understanding.

Get well soon my love. Can't see you in pain. Wasn't fair when you gave all the prayers to me. You truly deserve better. Be get well soon.

One of my own

It takes forever to know anyone , but a moment for someone of your own.
Own likes and dislikes, our perception towards life and people, our understanding towards each other's. Your heart tells you and simply accept the person in your heart and life.

One can't do anything to avoid this no matter how hard you try it to be away from the person . If he or she is meant to knock your closed door, no one in the world can avoid that happening.

One turn to be that wind , you know you gonna get blown with it ., drenched with sudden rain. Still you wanna stand in centre with arms wide open, welcoming with whole heart.

You are one of my kind, someone you knew and hoped existed . Just got into your life unexpected knowing you gonna fall .