When you are in fault..

When we get hurt from our loved and dear ones,

That moment we are pushed into darkness with no hope of a single ray of light.

We are stuck into this dark well where it seem to be too difficult to move out of it.

But strange fact is when we are responsible for someones hurt,

We are the reason why someone cry before sleeping, or hate the life.

It’s the worst feeling, worst when you realize the mistake and then have to live them the whole life,

This guilt feeling seem to just thrash your self esteem into ashes,

Where everytime you happen to see the person and feel to run away to somewhere no one knows you.

A single wish of turning back the time and clearing all the mess done earlier.

When you are in fault you are felt with no choice but to be quiet,

You would have to hear for so many things that you might have not even done and still you are held responsible for everything.

And when you are already into the heaps of shame and suffer that you are pushed everyday into more and more of guilt.

Agreed that time changes everything, but am sure it don’t put back things into same order,

Its only the memories that’s with you and the old person and the way they used to be with you, all in mere dreams and memories.

With some wishes to get them all back but wishes are always wishes,

The worst part to realize that the same person who trusted so much are now in darkness cause of you,

And you are still there in some corner watching them die a bit more everyday.

You are no longer trusted for anything not even If you are telling the truth,

The hatred filled with anger and wanting to see you in the same pain of what you left to them,

That makes the situation more worst cause it don’t end the situation, it goes on and on.

Character... and people...

Doubting on my own character,
whether am i really a person whom anyone can trust,
I ain't the person who cares about anyone but my ownself.
People may get in my life and hang out with me, but very few lasted yet.
Some went by time, some went by ego and attitude and some by ignorance.
There were huge mistakes occurred and with them lost few pearls of my life.
Whom to then curse, no one but myself.

Heard that it takes lot of pain to get good people,
the strange path is, I do get with great people, well wishers and true friend.
But then without any intention with time, people get lost in the winds.
Some turns against, some move ahead with new people, and some forgets the identity.
What really goes wrong? Hard to find this fact, trying hard.

Hence doubting on my own character,
really is it my fault, my lack of deliverance over relationship.
Have i to be more careful and give more attention without losing any more,
or is it the time that is not favorable towards me.
Whatever it is, I am already lost few important aspects which is hard to gain back,
but hopefully i realize the loss and earn the left ones and preserve them forever.

Have realized one thing,
it is the time that you remove out of the busy schedule,
the care and affection you show to the people.
The real feelings for them which must remain in good and bad times,
thats when people stay back with you in your times.

What you have and what you want..

Love the life when its with something that we wanted it to be,
something filled with joy, love, care, affection and with loads of attention..
The more importance we give when we are not having any of these,
but gradually its noticed that those people who have these are so used to them,
that they are really not knowing the importance of these elements in their life and start taking for granted.. and so lightly that its not much big deal if they lose any of them..

When i have urged for these affection from my family in my childhood,
i have seen all present in my relatives, but the strange path was that they were tired and irritated for all of these elements in their life..
It was a stoppage for them to live their life and turned to be blocks..
And here i used to urge desperately for such blocks, where i could actually take their help when i feel i cannot take any more, but sad part was i didn't get and they didnt much cared.

Today when i am looking back, i happened to notice that with time really things have changed,
so did people, i have got people's care and affection which i never got earlier.
And the worst part was that i actually didnt realized what came in my life,
and i was with some stupid thoughts of craving more of things which i didnt have.

I happened to read some article which focused on showing gratitude on what you have,
and the worst part is, i feel shit bad thinking that i got things and i lost almost all.
May be its true that we really do not get to know the importance when you get things very easily.
And the people who don't really get things, they deal these situations much better with care,
may be cause they know whats the value of them, cause these were the things they urged badly in life..

Time and its side effects, once gone never comes back,
so does the people and their emotions towards us.
Its thus hard for getting old times and people after losing,
rarely people even would give you another chance,
and its like second life if you happen to get another chance.
But i am the unluckiest person cause i still never knew what i have
and what really i want from life.

Changing phase..

So strange.. when we are so much habituated with something and then all of a sudden you lose those daily routine that were there with you..
When you are so much into the things that when it comes to drop away from all,
its indeed a hard task.. half of the time you stuck wondering what went wrong..
Why is this something coming unprepared..

A small good luck wish that made someday made your day,
are now turning into badluck when you no longer get them..
And the whole day go away cause you knew you were getting those things early..
and now its no longer with you.. and all your day go away just simply wondering for the same..

The whole silence that throws you away and you are left with so many things around you..
Why, what, when, how.. and so many words with these words..
When there are no longer words to speak with each other,
when there are no reactions to whatever comes in ahead..
Actually nothing left to be said, to be felt, to be heard, to be touched..

Its hard fact but then gradually you are ought to live with it,
and you are helpless with the changing time span..
And you are unaware of whats really happening with you and your life..
But then there is still nothing that you can actually do to change,
but actually wait for the time to change it again..

For something much better.. something that would bring sweetness all again..
All that would make your life somewhere in order..
Somewhere you would feel like standing firm..
All over again..

TRUST AND ITS SAYING..

Trust is something that you cannot get in a short span, it takes all your attention, care, affection towards the person and continuous realization that you are worthy for your trust. Toe earn trust can not be that hard work cause if you know the person and their heart, you can easily earn their trust. You can easily get into their life without much hardwork.

You would be in some great moments with that person where he or she share with you everything thats within his heart from ages, and share with you with that tiny little word called 'trust' that you would preserve within your heart and not misuse it.

Its actually funny that even after knowing that the world is not good, its filled with selfish people who use you and your feelings against you for their benefits, still we take the risk to allow them to get in our life.

Its like we ourselves are allowing them to destroy your life and peace, and permit them to drive away your peace for ever, leaving with a unexplainable pain that would last by you forever. Its like you yourself were responsible for that pain and so you give your ownself the pain you are not worthy of.

Later however the person come close to you, pleading for forgiveness it takes hell lot of time to come out of that pain and distress that have changed your life. You are bound to doubt every person you meet after the incident, you are bound to doubt on your own taste and choice.

You drive away all the people who were there by you and also close the door of your heart with a fear of getting broken again. Later when you realize that its time to open the door, although you forgive the person, its not possible you forget the incident, as somewhere it remains in the mind like a stain that would always remind about the bad experiences and the feelings gone through.

 Its same person but with some different relation that you cannot change again, cause although the person is same, he or she is no longer same cause his or her heart is no longer ready for same heart breaking experiences.

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Harsh but the truth...

Life is so strange I mean when you move out from some relation, no matter you stay anywhere in the world, the attachment with them will be reminded by you by some common people or the places.

It’s hard to avoid all the places only because you screwed with the relation, but then it’s even worst feeling when you need to act completely ignorant about the weird inquiries or be insane about the situation.

It’s even harder when you are bound to cross by the same path and bet me you need hell lot of boosting for crossing by the path, where the memories keep rushing in your mind and you are helpless.

When you are been all manipulated by the mind asking you to be more stupid and make you want to stupidity. But then luckily there is little sense that’s still present bringing the clear picture of what would happen after those immature behavior.

You feel like getting out of your sad world and wanting to do something great, something that would change your mood and your day. But then again something needs to poke you and remind it’s not time for your happiness, still you are bound to be in depression and torture ourselves more.

Its easy to advice someone to be optimist to have faith in God and your destiny, something right would happen when it has to happen, but in reality it is indeed heart taking every moment when you are aware that your reaction would spoil the situation more, but you are helpless.

The worst feeling is to know you are guilty and you want to accept the guilt and try to live the old life, its actually possible in a dreamy life, but the fact is, very few accept you the same way, behave with you the same way even after your mistake is known.

All your deed goes in vain after one mistake, and if there are unsolved relations out of it, its then hard for getting over it easily. You are bound in these complication so badly that you are forced to get into the room of darkness, where you yourself are locking the door and wanting to stay there in the dark.

Even if someone be normal with you, its actually hard to be the same way cause somewhere in your head you are left with the thought is it actually normal, or is it cause of the kindness he or she is behaving this way.

You get a double thought in all the situation occurring around your life, and even if you wish for you are no more the same person, nor your surroundings. Actually you are left with two options, survive the situation weeping or getting into worst situation by either screwing your life more by getting into bad company or addictions. Or else keep weeping and get into depression until time sort things.

You are left so much helpless that the harsh words that can actually cross the heart are no longer unacceptable, you accept them the way it is and you are fallen so down in the ground that you are left with no self-respect. You are just running behind some shelter where you hide for a while.

You love the sleep so much, cause atleast those moments you are far away from the reality and be who you wish, cause atleast those moments you are far away from the reality and be who you wish to be.

 

Bad Dream..

These days even my dreams are angry with me,
eitherways there is no dreams and if there are, those are bad scary ones..
Waking up in the middle of night and weep for being alone and helpless,
can't even do anything but regret of my own deed..

Today was the worst, when i woke up and cried heavily,
wanted someone to be near me, pamper me, give me warm hug, hold me tight..
I imagined the one person who gave that, whom i lost badly..
Felt her warmth, her love, her care and concern..
the way she used to hold me and console me, when i got scared..

Like always felt to speak with closed ones,
called the only person whom i call in happiness and sorrows..
Had one hope of getting any console from him,
the way he used to pamper me, hold me tight, try to do anything to make me sleep again..

But this time, i didnt felt anything,
no attachment, no feelings left, no sense of love and care..
Can't even demand for anything, cause its me for lost them,
its my own fault for losing these two important people..

The dream was nothing related to them,
but then i felt what they might be feeling..
In that dream, there was a stranger who came by undecided,
with fear i and my mom accepted him, gave him shelter and food to eat..
And later he destroyed my home by backstabbing my mom,
along with some people rushing towards me, with greed for me..

I could feel the pain of breaking trust, and then ruining my whole home..
And then not enough but then rushing towards me wanting to take away some more of my life..
I felt the exact feeling what i made my dear ones to feel..
By breaking their trust, and later took away their own loved ones..

I couldn't even see in dreams, my mom getting with the pain..
for something she had done nothing..
And without any reason getting towards me and wanting to destroy me..

I feel so disaster, so with grief..
Can't explain, but don't know where it would end..
But feel God want to punish me by his own ways..
I swear i am feeling heavier day by day..
Feeling lost away time by time..

Waiting for right time..

Life is passing by with tears and sorrows,

with regrets and repent, with guilt and hatred.

Have no idea where it would land, or how long would it go.

But one thing is sure, its changed me to the core,

after all the consequences, am with utmost belief, that no more desires.

No wishes nor expectations...

Just with a wish to get things in order, if not complete the pending work and move back.

Someday i used to love myself to the core,

couldn't remain from capturing myself in images and videos.

Now even if someone forces i be away from all of them,

no more wish to check myself in the mirrors.

Everytime i try to get positive and search some ray out of darkness,

some worst happens and try me to push more backward then earlier.

Make me realize its not over, there are more to weep and repent.

First time when i am no longer feared of losing anything,

may be cause i am left with nothing but real guilt,

i have nothing more to lose, cause i have lost myself in this race.

Had played some game where i won and lost,

and i have no happiness or sorrow for the same.

I have some memories, some nice and some bad,

although the bad ones give me terror,

but then the good ones drop me with tears.

A deep desire to get them all back in life,

to cherish them once again, to give a try to make things in order.

BUT NOW NOTHING BUT TO WAIT,

WAIT FOR THE RIGHT TIME, FOR THE TIME TO SETTLE THINGS UNSOLVED..

Another fall

Everytime when i truly think of doing something good it turns against me,

even when i do something for protecting someone, not letting it ruin more.

But its way too frustrating when people turn against you and you land all alone being answerable.

I am in a very bad state at present,

where i am trying hard to move over the situation, but getting more into the problems i arised.

I am pushed into complete mental harassment, where i am ought not to think of my own.

Agreed i have ruined the most beautiful relations i had,

but now i am helpless, i am not able to even take my own decision.

I am been made realized everyday, what i have done.

Thats even acceptable, but pushing of the words of reaching to my family,

that makes me feel so unacceptable and unfair.

Later new sayings are even more scary, to ruin my life,

to make me feel horrible and myself quit everything i am upto.

I have no idea to what extent can it reach,

but i know that i cant really take much of them.

I am already in the worst mental case i can ever think of.

I am trying hard to be positive and remain calm without losing my temper,

but God forbid if something more worst happens, i would be completely helpess.

I regret that i dont have my family support,

not that they dont support, but they were never to understand me,

hard to explain with the phase i have been going on throughout my life.

And now thats turning against me, i am sorry but thats something that would make me more weak.

I wont be ever able to speak anything against them,

nor be able to see their sad faces cause of me, if that day happens,

i would rather never show my face than see their sad face.

I am praying and hoping things get better soon.

But i am already made up my mind, whats the things i would do if its gonna get more worst.

I would rather quit myself forever,

I have realized that i am been in fault for everything and thus no more troubles for anyone.

Thats the final countdown from me.

I am done..

I am no more interested in my past,

View bloghave made up my mind,

tried to do everything worst to make me reach some conclusion.

But it simply pushed me into more terrible.

I am done, done from the interrogations,

done with the weird eyes over me, showing i am wrong..

Excluding me in every social gatherings, making me realize am no more worth..

Comparing me with the worst titles we can ever think of.

Blaming on for everything that happened..

I am done, done from expecting things to be normal,

ever thinking i am going to get the lost moments back.

This is when i realized the importance of blood relations,

no matter how wrong you been, they would still stand by you.

Atleast wouldnt leave you, thats for sure.

I am done, done with the guilt am carrying with me,

the shame that have become the burden over my shoulder.

The realization of me being the culprit for all cause.

The fact that, i am put blame for every start of this unexpected situation.

I am done, done walking on road all alone,

walking with the fear of meeting with those old peoples,

wondering the reactions i would get, and how i would react after.

Trying hard to be feelingless, the time when i meet with that one person,

who was responsible the same as me,

But today all the blames are only and only on me.

If throwing away your life is all enough,

Then i would have chosen that path so early, but didnt.

But then atleast i wouldnt have blamed anyone,

put anyone into situation of blame game.

Even today i am taking all blame on me,

every little things happened, am willingly taking over me.

Promised to get completely excluded by those people whom i caused harm.

There was a time when my name used to bring joy and happiness,

but now left with curse, sadness and pain.

I have realized i have fooled with relations,

took chance and kept so many relations on hold.

Like i remember words, the importance of relation would be when you are all alone,

when you need someone to be there, thats when your deed shows colors.

Anyways, its all late..

I have lost it now.. and hard to earn back..

But then all that is in my hand yet,

is not to cause more harm from my side..

And trying to get out of the sight and memories, completely.

Cause i am really done..