Am i your daughter???

Am I your own daughter?? A query around my head all these years…

Entire life and still several trials for proving that I am his good girl…

Adjusted and scarified what you assumed to be wrong, We are human and we are made to be around other human being, Still you made every attempt to make me away from all those people..

I understand you are afraid for there are bad people in this world, But I always wished from the core of my heart that you had trust on me, For I may not be perfect but had some sense of knowledge to segregate from what is right and wrong..

You should have had that confidence that I would have come to you if I had some troubles in my life and I needed your support…

But unfortunately you made me fear to get closer to you, for more than the world I was afraid to speak out myself to you, as you have never had faith in me…

No matter I achieved everything that my age person would achieve, but I know you never had been proud of me..

For I have been longing to hear from you, how proud you were with me over my achievements which other people of my age dreamt of,

But i guess you never counted me as your own, whom you could have been proud of..

I know you are a very busy person and surely in this busy schedule of life it is very difficult to remove time to their loved ones,

But I guess even when you had time and chance you preferred to spent time with your so called friends who had no better intentions but to use you and your network.

We at this age could see that those are not your well wishers and you had blindly trust on those ones, and still couldn’t build a bit of faith on me…

Great people says that time heals everything and so do people change, but don’t you know everything changes, even I…

My patience also have its limits and my time heals my pain for you, even with time I had made up my mind that you don’t just care about me and your family…

You had confidence that you would have no one in life in your older days when you would need someone and may be hence you were busy gathering good friends to be with…

But how could you understand that family are the only people in entire life whom without your expectation would stand by you when you need, would take care of you however you are, and would never leave you alone

We have and would always accept you the way you are, no matter how much ever we get irritated with your behavior, how much ever it hurts, still we cant take anyone talking bad about you.

Why did you wasted those moments when we needed you, why were you not with us when we needed you the most?

I wish you had known our importance much early, for the pain that you caused unknowingly have remained in my heart as a scar which is hard to eliminate, its cause of you I have hard time in trusting people.

Even with time I would step with a person whom I would call life partner, with whom I would share my sadness and happiness, with whom I would share my love and my soul, even I would have my family, my children..

But then what have you taught me, to be with friends, not to give time to family, not to allow your children fly with their wings, infact cut their wings before they even fly, hold them inside walls and not them explore anything with a fear of letting them get hurt.

Its life in the end, no matter how ever we stop, we cant stop everything as it’s the fact of the life, everyone would have to face joy and sorrow, no matter they are ready or not.

They say that we get punishment of our deeds in this life itself, but what have I done that I had to face from the beginning of my early days of life, you have no clue but it has taken away my innocence childhood, even when I didn’t wanted I got mature more than of my age. I couldn’t enjoy my childhood for you had some different plans.

When every child used to run to their family sharing about their experiences, their first experience in their life, I was standing there all alone, I was left alone in those four walls which you call home. But isn’t home called where there is love and people who are there for each others.

You never gave me a true meaning of marriage for you were busy in quarreling with mom over silly things, but you never bothered to notice that it took away our faith over marriage with time. Lost the trust that there is someone who can stand by you for the other part of your life, whom you can love and start your new life.

Before love you added grudge, hatred, insecure in me, where even if I want to I am unable to trust anyone. Where I have a fear that they wont be forever, for even if they act good in the beginning they would turn different after a while, they wont be there by you when you need someone, you would be left alone in those memorable days when you dreamt of beautiful things. Even when I have lot of love within me, I am helpless and stand behind those four walls all alone and with empty hands.

You have no idea dad, but you have ruined my entire life!!!

When I read my old days books, I find nothing but pain and wait.. Longing for you, your love and your time, but I got nothing but pain and emptiness.

Guess what I had been waiting even now for getting back my dad, for I had still lil hopes of some change in you, for you might understand me someday, my scarifies for you and your happiness, without asking much but your love and time.

But don’t you take me for granted as everything has a limit and as even life is never for ever, even my patience getting to the brim, my expectations from you have died somewhere long time back, and now even my patience for you.

Don’t take me wrong I would always love you, as I cant change my heart, as I am helpless about that, but I wont forgive what you have taken away from me.

You can only get my forgiveness by not giving me loads of money or any worldy things but only with your love and time that I have been begging from you my entire life I remember.

For you have done everything to lose your respect from my eyes, as even now after all these years if I have to prove that I am your daughter, I am left with nothing, nothing for giving you, not even a belief, for I am not a puppet, nor someone outsider who have to keep proving to be your child, your own daughter.

And if I have to keep proving that then my question remains the same my entire life, am I your own daughter??? Have you ever taken me your child for you need proof entire life that I am yours and yours daughter only.

Strange we need proof for love, but isn’t it a feeling and cannot be showed but expressed, and if you never got it from me, I am even doubting on myself, am I your daughter, your good daughter that you wanted your life, my every effort my every scarifies for your smile, for you to be proud of me.

Strange isn’t it????

Cant Quit..!!

“I want to quit!” this statement kept popping in my mind everytime I go to bed without finding any solution to the problem I am facing. Everytime I gather courage to fight with my problems and get out with it proudly, but everytime I find nothing but another failure.

I am saying to myself that I would get recovered today and would get into track once again, where my life had stopped from last four months. Where I used to run with the world to achieve success at every ladder to accomplishing my goals, where I poured out everything I had to reach a place where I can say myself and everyone who doubted, to prove my dad wrong that I am not his bad failed child, I am not that girl who is in this world only to be homemaker or to grow a child, but can think ahead of it and competent with the world.

I could have reached one more step ahead, until when suddenly I was identified with pain in my shoulder which was normal in my life as it’s been there from ages, but didn’t realized it could change my life upside down.

This normal pain have been growing in my body from shoulder to my hands to my fingers, which is just a slow poison spreading and killing my self-confidence, making me think twice for everything I believed till date.

I had always hated doctors for most of the doctors whom I met no offense have done nothing better than try and error and fooled around with time and money. I had made my mind to never visit doctor until it’s out of my control, and today’s date I am a dodge ball whose been thrown from one court to another. I can call myself a gini pig tested by all doctors and all possible medicines.

After fourth month, I am standing in a position where I must have gone through almost all possible test available by medical profession but without any clue for the root cause. So is my career where no one would be in position to comment on my future, everything very blur without any proper base to step ahead!

This may what is called testing phase, those hours of waiting, several failed trials, rejections, no proper base nothing, just standing in a place quietly and unaware about tomorrow and the next movement.

“When you think of quitting think what made you start!” every time I decide to quit this phrase kept echoing in my head, not letting me just give up and quit. But pushing me to give another try with a hope there would be a rock that’s still untouched, it’s just a matter of trying to touch every stone seen.

Every time I burst into tears, in the middle of argument between mind, my heart comfort me to give another try with a single hope of getting better and starting from the scratch, knowing the reality of life that no matter things not right now but it would end soon, for after every dark night there comes bright day better than yesterday in the path of tomorrow.

Unpredictable Life

Life is full of ups and downs, sometimes good sometimes bad. Even when we are not ready, life make sure you get the taste of everything.

No matter its good or bad, it surely gets with you some experiences for the rest of your time. These are the times that decides whether you would make it or break it, No matter what, life wont wait for anyone. That’s the harsh fact of life, whether you like it or not.

We humans are very smart and selfish we hardly think about good times, for when in bad times, You curse to the core and feel like closing the doors and not letting any more movements for worse. You feel like something is taking bits from yourself and you can’t do anything for it.

But that’s when you know the true faces of people, whose in real going to be there in your life, for their motto’s are visible. They won’t be not bothered what you are going through, for they don’t give a shit on your life.

Until and unless you are in their help, they would be there, later they wont even see your face and would never bother to knock your door.

There are very few diamonds who would stand by you and accompany you in your bad times, for they have no special motto. All that they need is good for you and they would do anything that’s possible with them.

They wont leave you in good times and would hold more tight when in bad times, where you feel the worst of worst.

Even when you feel to quit, they would do anything to make you to walk the remaining path and would always be behind you whenever you feel low and want to just give up.

Few but very precious, for they are something that you can’t buy with world’s money, they cultivate with time, dedication, trust and efforts. Its always better to find even one such person that would surely help to walk in these difficult times.

Thank You...

I feel grateful today,
and wanna thank everyone,
who came in my life, who is with me still and promise to be with me for the entire life,
and specially to those who left me,
and couldn't hold me for the rest of the journey..

Wanna emphasis specially on those people,
for they have made me to learn many things,
making me realize who emotional i am,
and its stupid to be an emotional fool..

Wanna thank them, to make me stronger than before them,
for giving me memories, no matter it turned good or bad,
but still both the way gave me something to remember..

Wanna thank them, for i have now some experience,
if not what i want, but atleast what i dont want,
more firm in rejecting for something that i don't want to the core..
which i couldnt have done without them..

Though i am no longer the way they had seen me
when they entered in my life,
but atleast wont be repeating the same ones again..
wont then get a chance to curse to someone,
for it would be me whose the most stupid person to repeat the same mistake..

Thank them, for somewhere the new me,
is only cause of them.. because of their decisions,
that somewhere knowingly and unknowingly affected me..
Anyways wont praise them too much,
but wont even curse them..

Somewhere had heard,
its you whose boiling your blood by thinking over the moments,
that makes you feel sad and low..
They wont even realize it, but its you whose losing those time in something,
that wont even change even a bit, then why..
When there is nothing to earn out of it..

Thanks a ton,
and more thankful, you stepped out of my life,
for now the door is opened for someone who deserves much better than you,
Now its my chance to move out of the walls that i made early,
as there is more of than weeping over sad past..
As you wont get anything but hurt..

So why worry,
be thankful and cherish the rest moment,
there are more in life than sitting in some corner and break your head,
take away your peace and weeping for something thats not even in present..
So why not you fuck off..
and let me leave my life.. on my terms..
You couldn't make space in my life so why struggle to get survived in my mind..
You not even worst a bit of it..

Beautiful Life...

Life is being so beautiful these days,
making me feel more young,
not that my hairs turned white, but feels back to sweet sixteen..
Where there is nothing more important than the word love,
for whole world runs around for love..
You feel to be the best person in the world,
the most special for someone..

No matter how you were, behave with people,
you want to get lil better everytime for that person..
When your smile makes someone day,
your tears can take away lil piece of heart..

Suddenly your likes and dislikes get mix matched,
and there are many new things you wanna try,
carrying with a smile on your face,
for it means for that someone..

No matter how was your past,
you start hoping for a beautiful future,
where you spend entire day in the presence of love and care..
Though there are many things that binds your entire life,
but then when you have love.. you feel everything so complete..

Life gives you sourness and sweetness,
but most important, some sweet memories that you carry with you
your entire life.. and though the person may not be there by you,
but those memories can be cherished forever,
making you smile and shed tear for that one moment..

Confused me..

Is my heart so weak, that it can never take the weight of any blame,
that guilt for which i am ready to repair everything..
When i have given the choice of my decision..
still pressed out with the pressure of losing something precious..
This is the time when i felt everything would get normal,
would get new and the time of my weeping would be pushed far away..

Even i urge nothing but a smile that last for long,
a heart that have no fear..
Not even a doubt of losing anything in life..
Just a urge of being myself..
No matter how much ever i do mistake,
i still get forgiven.. and get started all over back..

For my decision is the first priority,
my wishes are something to be fulfilled..
My tears are that precious that its measured against the thunders and the storm,
for smile against the billion dollar..

Heart is always sentimental, soft and gets emotional..
So need to get with some ending,
cant just let it keep wandering in some corner,
waiting and wanting for something..

Why why why why??

Why cant life be so easy than with so many twist and turns,
why cant everything be so simple??

All the efforts taken for getting part of another persons life,
why is it then, it cant last for ever??

The happiness we incur to get into a relation,
why does it bring with more sorrow when we are no longer into it??

The simple rule of life is, be with something that brings happiness,
but how can we move so easily from those things that brought someday happiness,
only with the reason that its no longer bringing out any bloom..

Why is it so difficult to open your palm and let things go,
when those were the things that meant badly to you..
When you couldn't be without the person even a single day,
Life bring forth with a moment when its needed to be away from him..
No matter it kills you from within little by little,
just like a slow poison..

When there were no secrets hidden from him,
every bits and pieces of thoughts in mind were been shared out,
how to keep that wandering mind out of this terror..

When things turned dark and came forth the decision to make a final call,
mind thought as practical as it should, whats the best suited for me..
But then how to make peace with this heart,
who still cry for those old us,
for those memories hidden into the heart,
every moment spend together..
Why does it tear the heart into pieces..
Why is it so difficult to make up the mind and heart..
Why why why why why why?????????????

Why does it keep bringing out tears,
which have no more meaning but only feelings,
some unsaid words, unsaid urges..
Hoping to get better, hoping to feel better..
Still wanting something from life..
Something that would stop this wandering of mind..