Ruined everything

I have ruined everything, I have dropped everything by my own hands, the little happiness that was with me and I used to live happily cause of them, I have lost everything, because I have spoiled everything.

Now that I have ruined everything and I am now aware that its cause of me I have spoiled many lives attached with me, I have no more love and affection with myself. I feel disgusting even when I think how could I have done this. I was knowing this well in advance that the consequences are worst than what happened now, but still I went ahead with the path which dropped me now in such a state where I am not knowing where should I move, and what should I do, am I even having anymore any right of asking with some right, am I having any right of asking someone to trust me cause I have simply dumped their trust into ashes.

I was so happy to get something that I always craved for, I was even living with the things I always urged for. Then why did I spoiled everything, why did I asked more from my life. Now that I would say it was unintentional it is all wrong and I have no ways any right to even say that. I am dumb but I cant be such an asshole that I would have not realized even once whom have I cheated on.

I m feeling worst

Whole life have been crying for someone to be there by me in sickness and sorrows, to be in my happiness as well as my sorrows. Someone to stand by me in all of my decision whether I am right or wrong to be there behind me supporting my decision, to trusting over me.

It’s been ages I have been asking this wish of mine to get true, but never realized one truth, I forgot that God in real have given me that wish very long time back, when I didn’t had anyone with me when no one understood me, when there were heaps of problems over me and I was standing all alone.

There was one person who was with me, but all that I did was that I kicked off all the good deeds and with times just repeated like a recorder all the bad deeds. I ruined every small little things with times, let it fade all those beautiful moments I got in my life in my past.

With time and increasing knowledge I changed, never knew whether its for good or bad, but changed and received many things in those time span, but I forgot that the person who was holding me in that very dark past of mine when I couldn’t even take away one small step from the place I was been stuck from ages. Now that I am running and moving so ahead in life, how could I forget that one person who was there by me that very dark phase of my life?

Now when he is in need of someone to be by him and make him stand and need way to walk ahead in his life, how could I turn so much selfish and turn away my face. Not only that but now I am even ruining the other reasons of him to live. I simply ruined everything, and made a complete joke of all those moments we spend together by lying to him, by not letting him know what’s in my mind.

I know its indeed wrong to expect from him to let leave me from his life after such a long walk, but then what did I do? I dint trusted him, didn’t thought even once that he might understand me and my confused mind. When he was already indulged in his huge problems I added more problems over his shoulder and let him face those all alone.

Today I am standing in this phase, where I ruined everything and even after that he is ready to accept me but I cant face him, in front of his kindness and big heart I am feeling shattered. I feel horribly bad even to think that I didn’t understood this person, who knows me even in silence.

When he was yelling and expecting someone hear his voice I turned deaf, I never stood by him when he needed. The only reason that my mind gave was that I was now feeling to live my life my way. When I had already ruined my life taking those wrong decision in past, where he helped me even that phase and even after everything that I did, he is ready to accept me even now.

I don’t have any words for now, I am now in such a condition that I cant even hold back nor can move on. I can’t just forget what I did with him, and just be normal like before. I have lost many strings that was connected in this relation. And for what, I have no idea!

But now that I have realized lil bit, I know one thing, I am no longer having any more desire of getting more from my life, I am now happy with what I have and I would prefer closing my ears than look for more in my life. I am greedy from the beginning so selfish, but now I would try to be lil thoughtful with the decision I would take ahead in my life.

Whether he stay back in my life the way he was, this time I wont stop him but indeed he and his wisdom would always teach me and guide me. I feel disgusting about myself, the more I used to love the more I hate myself now, but now I have ruined everything and all that I can do is sit and wait for the time to come back.

Politics in Life..

Politics..
Everyone gets into mood to atleast speak something when there is this word that comes in presence..
we hate this word, but frankly everywhere in today's time there is politics thats been played around..
Let it be a small game, or a complete administration, we happened to get with this word..

Whether we like it or no.. but we have to come across with this term..
unfortunately we are trapped so badly that even if we wish to be clean and away from all this shit,
we get into them more deeper, for a fact, unable to move out of the way..

Who knew that the person who were under us for such a long time,
changes the whole game and move ahead..
Who knew that the cards we were ruling over, have lost its weightage..
No longer you have the main card, and even after having the highest position,
you are left with an empty chair, without any power and victory..

Then what is your decision..
Would you yet fight for the rights, or move behind your foot..
Are you then just gonna sit and watch the game,
where you are no longer the player with power..

Its just like a game of chess,
where a little soldier can also change the whole game with its one move..
That game where the king is no longer left except running away from all the attacks from its opponent..
Where your own trump cards turns against you, and you are left just for waiting and watching..

A Touch...

When the days are moving ahead,

the moments of getting together is getting lesser..

The feeling of insecurity, a sense of belonging..
a share of happiness and a part of sadness.

Just getting an urge of falling apart all the boundaries,

a feeling of making transparency,

Gets better when its with efforts and pain,

makes every moment even better, even more cherishable..

But with the happiness and desire of the moment,

comes along little sadness, of getting those moments just for a while,

later would be the feeling of  departure, feeling of wanting more..

a sense of living those moments, a sense of loving more..

The beautiful moments with you,

the foreplay that we got in during those moments,

the smell, the touch, the feeling of wanting more..

Every step confirming of wanting more than ever..

the urge of proving yourself, the feelings for each other..

The feeling of cherishing that moment forever,

to make the person yours forever...

Thats for you....

Pain and myself...

Rolling over in pain,

feeling distress and an urge of being in someone's arms..

Cuddling in my cozy blanket, feeling the warmth and bearing the pain that i am bearing..

Just want to remove all the frustration over something,

want to just run away somewhere, somewhere this pain wont come with me..

But forgot that this pain is just like your shadow,

that follows with us everytime, and specially in darkness gets behind you everywhere you move..

No wonders when it would go, but feels like hiding somewhere where they don't follow you..

You cant do anything, you are left without anything,

you cant show anyone what you are feeling,

just stuck with all these pain.. really can't take this moment..

Just wish for having a time machine that could push me somewhere away from this moment..

I just need to be with someone, who can drive me away from this pain..

someone.. who can divert me from what i am feeling..

someone.. who can hold me tight and promise me not to leave me..

someone.. who talk anything.. do anything.. for getting one smile..

someone.. who stand by you.. whenever you cant even hold the pain..

someone.. someone... atleast someone..

Thought of the Day..

                                            Be soft... 

Do not let the world make you hard...
Do not let pain make you hate....
Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness....
Take pride that even though 

the rest of the world may disagree.. 

you still believe it to be a beautiful place.... 

No matter how good 

or bad you think life is...
Wake up each day 

and be thankful for life...
Someone somewhere else

 is fighting to survive..

Strange Path

You are walking on a unknown path and you are unaware of the end, all that you know you are walking from a long time without knowing where the path is going to end. But one fine day, you just see a mirror that shows that your time is going to change, all that you have been doing and all the moments in your life would never be the same. Its so frustrating when you want to walk back to the road you left behind but you are helpless, as its not just a road but the path of your life.

You were carefree and never think about your actions, but once you step it, you never know where you land to. It may be right or wrong, but however it is would push you to some position which you wont be able to move back.

What do you need in real? What is that important to you? How would you decide at the moment of making decision, would you be able to take a stand over some decision of yours or just stand all confused and letting it come however it comes.

What influences us? Do someones reaction over us makes us change our perceptions about ourselves, our decisions, our life!! Would you be ready to close your ears and not hear what your hearts says or would you be able to lose those people who speak against you and your decision.

When we have a road journey at night, all that we can see ahead is hardly 50m roads ahead. Yet we complete our journey, how is that possible then? When we get stuck in our life wondering where are we and where are we moving to. Isn't it strange then.

Life is indeed a strange path with various ups and down, its all on us how we take the stand and walk the path ahead without regretting our stand our decision.

One request..

I am a soul with a tender heart,

unaware of the whole wicked world,

finding happiness in small little things,

live for my loved ones and can do anything for them, just to see them happy.

I can stand with you when you need someone,

but please don't ignore me when i am lost somewhere.

I may not ask or let you know what I feel, but some corner expect few things,

if not the whole part of you, a lil time for me.

I may be a strong personality for the world,

but please don't forget that i fake for the world.

Afraid to get stamped by hurt, cheat, lies, so always close my heart, not letting to let anyone enter and see it, can't afford to get it broken again.

But when i start sharing with you, lil by lil, that is the very beginning that i begun to trust you.

And its a humble request, don't ever break that trust.

As i would prefer to stand alone rather than this deep feeling of hurt.

Won't hope that you would be able to remove time forever,

but when you get a single moment, no matter its the last thing before you move to bed.

If am not the first thing that comes in your mind, hope that i am even not the last thing.

Don't mind if i never open out things, keep everything within me,

but its like i am afraid that i don't want to be thrown away after your work is over..

I wont be able to see if my trust would be shattered just like a piece of glass.

Well my heart is not a game, so please be careful if you want to get in my life.

As its easy to get in, but more hard to last.

I ain't anyone's doormat, expect dignity and my own identity,

think and then knock my door.

That's just a small single request for everyone..

Someday....!!!!

Someday, I will have everything I desire.
Someday, I will be the person I’m meant to be.
Someday, I will be in places I could only dream of now.
Someday, all my efforts and sacrifices will be paid off.Someday, someone’s gonna love me the way I deserve to be.Someday, everything will make sense.Someday, I’ll find the one person who would make me happy until forever.Someday, I’ll find the person who’s worth every tear and pain.Someday, I will be truly happy.
Someday. Just someday.