“I don’t care what people think of me.” How many times have you heard those words? How many times have said it yourself? More importantly, how true is it?
Considering all that we learn about peer pressure as children, it’s not surprising that we grow up trying desperately to appear immune to the thoughts an opinions of others. As adults, many of us find it so very hard to admit that we crave validation and support. But then there’s the truth.
We do indeed care, at least to some extent, what people say and think about us. None of us truly wears a thick, impenetrable skin that protects our hearts from the pain of feeling left out or misjudged.
When It Hurts the Most
You may have noticed that there are certain things people can say about you that don’t matter at all; whereas other subjects bother you much more than you can shamelessly admit. The latter topics are your triggers and there’s a reason for their existence.
So, what gets under your skin? What really, really puts you on the defensive?
Think about a time when someone criticized you or expressed a particular opinion that really angered or hurt you. Maybe they said you were ignorant, fat, naive or selfish. Maybe they said something negative about your political standing, parenting skills, work performance or religious faith. If you found yourself feeling torn between two hopelessly ineffective options: pretending not to care versus lashing out in defense of your turf, this is likely a trigger for you.
Where Do Triggers Come From
There is no all-encompassing answer, but the two primary trigger producers are personal values and beliefs. Let’s say someone calls you stupid. If you are extremely confident in yourself as a scholar, you may laugh at the comment and have absolutely no feelings about it. In fact, you may think the other person was obviously at a loss for words. Ha!
On the other hand, if intelligence is a strong value for you and your father always said he wished you were smart like your brother, your confidence in this area may be lacking. You could have developed an unhealthy belief about yourself by taking over your dad’s role of viewing you in a limited, doubt-infused light. Perfect recipe for a trigger!
In such situations, when a person says something negative about you, it is not just their words that you react to. Their words are simply one more drop of gasoline on an already raging fire. What you react to is the connection their statement makes with the voice in your head, the repressed feelings that bubbled up without your consent, the unexpressed and unprocessed pain that you’ve been busy pretending not to notice.
While values and beliefs usually work together to create and strengthen our triggers, there are times when one of the two appears to be working overtime.
Let’s say you strongly value fairness and you have no doubt that you are a fair person. If you’re accused of selfishly taking advantage of people, you may feel deeply hurt despite the confidence you have in this area. Why is that?
The reaction you experience is, once again, not just based on the other person’s statements. However, in this case it is also not a reflection of an underlying belief about yourself. It is a reaction to your feelings about this particular value and its opposite. When it comes to our strongest values, we often find their opposites completely intolerable. We may judge those opposites so harshly that we find them distressing, painful to notice and impossible to live with. The only thing worse than seeing the lack of our strongest value in others is having that lack attributed to us.
You Care… Now What?
As always, there’s a silver lining to this cloud. First things first. It’s important to know that it is okay to have feelings about what other people say or think about you. Words are just words and opinions are just opinions. But sometimes they sting. Fortunately, we can use that sting to our advantage.
Even the most stinging emotional responses are nothing more than feedback. This feedback is something that our triggers supply to us. They tell us things about ourselves that we may not yet realize. They help us to more clearly see our path and to realize when we’re harboring resistance to the paths of others. But that’s not it.
The feelings we have about what people think of us is a natural residue of the inherent connection that we all have to each other. It provokes thought and enhances our level of consciousness, thereby helping us to discover who we are, what purpose we are here to serve, where we fit in the world and what makes us special as individuals. It also aids us in the development of awareness by bringing clarity to the values we hold dear, while bringing underlying beliefs and “stuffed” feelings to the surface.
Neither getting defensive, trying to sway others toward your values or pretending not to give a damn will make a positive difference in your life. Don’t you want to create a space for real learning, personal growth and enlightenment?
The only answer is to be true to yourself. Rather than hiding behind, “I don’t care what people think of me,” give yourself permission to be real. Notice what comes up when people say things about you that you don’t like. Pay close attention to your thoughts, acknowledge how you feel and reflect upon what it truly means for you. None of this means that you need to change yourself based on someone else’s opinions. In fact, what I’m saying is quite the opposite.
As you move forward with your day, it is my hope that you realize one thing: It is okay to feel whatever you feel. There is no room for shame or denial of what comes up for you. To do so is to takeaway your right to be yourself and to live a completely authentic life.
In relation to criticism and all else, wherever you are right now is the perfect place for YOUR expansion. Do not apologize for feeling or caring or wishing things were different. Most importantly, do not apologize for being you.
