I m feeling worst

Whole life have been crying for someone to be there by me in sickness and sorrows, to be in my happiness as well as my sorrows. Someone to stand by me in all of my decision whether I am right or wrong to be there behind me supporting my decision, to trusting over me.

It’s been ages I have been asking this wish of mine to get true, but never realized one truth, I forgot that God in real have given me that wish very long time back, when I didn’t had anyone with me when no one understood me, when there were heaps of problems over me and I was standing all alone.

There was one person who was with me, but all that I did was that I kicked off all the good deeds and with times just repeated like a recorder all the bad deeds. I ruined every small little things with times, let it fade all those beautiful moments I got in my life in my past.

With time and increasing knowledge I changed, never knew whether its for good or bad, but changed and received many things in those time span, but I forgot that the person who was holding me in that very dark past of mine when I couldn’t even take away one small step from the place I was been stuck from ages. Now that I am running and moving so ahead in life, how could I forget that one person who was there by me that very dark phase of my life?

Now when he is in need of someone to be by him and make him stand and need way to walk ahead in his life, how could I turn so much selfish and turn away my face. Not only that but now I am even ruining the other reasons of him to live. I simply ruined everything, and made a complete joke of all those moments we spend together by lying to him, by not letting him know what’s in my mind.

I know its indeed wrong to expect from him to let leave me from his life after such a long walk, but then what did I do? I dint trusted him, didn’t thought even once that he might understand me and my confused mind. When he was already indulged in his huge problems I added more problems over his shoulder and let him face those all alone.

Today I am standing in this phase, where I ruined everything and even after that he is ready to accept me but I cant face him, in front of his kindness and big heart I am feeling shattered. I feel horribly bad even to think that I didn’t understood this person, who knows me even in silence.

When he was yelling and expecting someone hear his voice I turned deaf, I never stood by him when he needed. The only reason that my mind gave was that I was now feeling to live my life my way. When I had already ruined my life taking those wrong decision in past, where he helped me even that phase and even after everything that I did, he is ready to accept me even now.

I don’t have any words for now, I am now in such a condition that I cant even hold back nor can move on. I can’t just forget what I did with him, and just be normal like before. I have lost many strings that was connected in this relation. And for what, I have no idea!

But now that I have realized lil bit, I know one thing, I am no longer having any more desire of getting more from my life, I am now happy with what I have and I would prefer closing my ears than look for more in my life. I am greedy from the beginning so selfish, but now I would try to be lil thoughtful with the decision I would take ahead in my life.

Whether he stay back in my life the way he was, this time I wont stop him but indeed he and his wisdom would always teach me and guide me. I feel disgusting about myself, the more I used to love the more I hate myself now, but now I have ruined everything and all that I can do is sit and wait for the time to come back.